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Friday, 25 May, 2001, 17:06 GMT 18:06 UK
Amazing tales from Planet Tabloid
planet tabloid logo
Well I'll be gobsmacked!
This week in our trip to the outer fringes of the news universe, a boy who got his tongue stuck to the fridge, an outbreak of clownish criminality in Manchester, the discover of Scotland's first ever pornographic film and the return of the Hairstyle of the Gods. But first...

Burning issue of the week...

Question: What about that David Beckham's new haircut, eh?

Answer: Yeah, blimey!

DRUNKEN WALLY IN COP BUMP TERROR FOLLY

A man banned from using his uninsured car because of drink driving did a very silly thing this week.

Instead of not driving his car, he smashed it into the back of the Metropolitan police chief's bullet-proof Jaguar.

There are more questions than answers
Q: Who's to blame for the infidelity epidemic? (Daily Mail)

A: Men

Q: Does cosmetic surgery harm your soul ? (Daily Mail)

A: Yes, sort of, because in addition to having bigger boobs "we risk losing the art of successful ageing and the spiritual evolution that leads to true self-acceptance".

Q: How old is your body? (Daily Mail)

A: Generally speaking your brain and your bones are the same age, but your skin is one year younger. Your muscles, meanwhile, are 14 years older than your teeth.

The incident took place in Paddington, near a Give Way sign.

It is a very bad idea to drive while being banned. It is even worse if you crash the illegally driven car, particular while drunk. And it is extremely bad to prang the most powerful police officer in the country - especially as there are approximately four million other cars in London to aim at.

The police chief was extremely cross. According to the Mirror his bodyguards at first thought that the drink-fuelled accident was a terrorist assassination attempt.

Failing to emerge safely from a junction controlled by a Give Way sign while under the influence of alcohol is a well known terrorist tactic.

Earlier this year the same police chief crash-landed his small plane in Newcastle after one of its two engines failed.

BONGO SCOTICO EROTICO

Delighted experts at the Scottish national film have been boasting to the papers after discovering "Scotland's first erotic film" mouldering in a can in their basement.

The film, called Bongo Erotico, was shot in the back room of a café in Wishaw in 1959 on what amounts to a home cine-camera and the action is described as being "set against a backdrop of woodchip wallpaper and a three-piece-suite".

John Archer, chief executive of Scottish Screen, told the Press Association that the 20 minute black and white skin-flick is "a hidden gem". It is the work of little-known director Enrico Cocozza.

HEALTH SCARE OF THE WEEK
SUNTAN LOTION IS BAD FOR YOU (Take a Break Magazine, front cover)

On the contents page this is toned down to "Suntan lotion can be bad for you".

It turns out that suntan lotion is not bad for you..In fact, the magazine reveals, it can help you avoid getting skin cancer.

.

"Cocozza was acclaimed in his lifetime, but there was nothing to be found about him in books," Archer continued.

Film archive curator Janet McBain added, not unreasonably: "If it had had the title Bongo Erotico written on it, I'm sure we would have opened it sooner."

A clip from the film was shown at he Glasgow Film Theatre on Thursday.

FLAMED-UP MULLET MANIA

For most of the papers, haircuts in general have taken on a huge importance. The mullet haircut, the ultimate '80s fashion statement, is making a comeback, if the Sunday Times is to be believed.

Craig Evans
Trend setter Craig Evans

Possibly prompted by the state of John Prescott egg-assailant Craig Evans's hair-do, the paper devoted a lot of space to the come-back theory.

The Sunday Times claims the style died out after arch mullet-head footballer Chris Waddle missed a penalty in a England game during the Italia '90 World Cup.

Chrissie Wadds
King of the Mulletmen Chris Waddle at his hair-larious best

Hair experts believe that haircuts associated with elimination from major sporting tournaments quickly become extinct.

But now the mullet is on the way back because a book called "Mullet - Hairstyle of the Gods" has been published.

Author Barney Hoskyns is quoted as saying that a Mullet haircut involves "making a statement that you are a quiet 9am-to-5pm conformist in the week but you let it all hang out at weekends".

CRIME WAVE - MADCHESTER STYLE

Gangs of comedy burglars are on the rampage in Manchester, according to the Manchester Evening News.

In addition to the normal targets of money, jewels, cars and videos, there is a new trend in the city towards stealing items such as Crazy Colour hair-dye, iced buns and biscuits.

In one case, intruders smashed £1,000 worth of security equipment at a biscuit factory to steal £50-worth of wafers.

In another, burglars stole a bike shop's pet cockatoo.

Bike shop man David Garbett told the paper: "I'm hoping the cockatoo will bring their downfall. It does screech a lot and we just hope someone will hear it."

Sergeant Damian O'Reilly, of Gorton police, said: "These shops are not attractive targets to burglars and they do not warrant the amount of effort that is obviously being put in."

The investigation continues.

HORRIFIC BUT HARMLESS AND AMUSING ACCIDENT OF THE WEEK

A Russian schoolboy had to be rescued by firefighters when his tongue got stuck to a fridge, according to Russia's super soaraway Pravda ("The Truth")

The 11-year-old had taken a pot of soup out of the fridge then decided to lick the ice of the freezer compartment, but his tongue stuck fast to the metal.

He was in a "home alone" situation at the time.

He then spent several hours standing before the freeze and trying to call for help, Pravda reports.

Finally neighbours heard strange groaning sounds so called police.

The boy was eventually freed when the refrigerator was switched off and warm water poured on it to de-frost it.

Now he's OK again.

PRACTICAL HOUSEHOLD TIP OF THE WEEK

This time from "Take a Break" magazine.

If your window box is being ruined by your cat's habit of sleeping on the flowers, try putting an identical window box next to it with the added attraction of a strip of comfy-looking blanket.

It worked for Sarah "fed up with cat sleeping in window box" Thompson of Ballymena.

And it could work for you too.

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