Amazing tales from Planet Tabloid

All the news that's fit to print...

Welcome to our regular sweep around the outer fringes of the news universe. This week featuring international news from Jordan, Brazil and Norway, an undead politician and a ban on kinky knickers. But first...

BURNING ISSUE OF THE WEEK

Is Miss France a man or woman?

Spot the hairy legs and five o'clock shadow

After much agonising and photographic investigation it has been decided that that Miss France - beauty queen Elodie Gossuin - is a woman.

But at the start of the week it was widely thought she was a man.

The debate began when a Frenchman suggested that she was a he on his website.

As we all know, everything posted on the internet is true.

Thanks to advances in the related sciences of gynaecology, cosmetology and - above all - gullabilitology, the theory had credibility.

But then the man who made the suggestion in the first place, top French satirist Frederic Royer, popped up to say: "Of course it is not true. Everything on my website is a joke".

Dear Serena - For weeks now I have had a recurring dream about eggplants wearing fancy clothes and dancing around me. I bought a dream interpretation book, but I can't find anything like that. What can it mean?

Serena replies - You have taken a new job that you knew you'd dislike, but the money and perks were irresistible. The bottom line is - you can dress it up, but it's still an eggplant

Advice from the World Weekly News Agony Aunt Serena

TOP TORY NOT DEAD - OFFICIAL

A row has broken out between a Tory politician and British Gas over whether she is dead or not.

Tory front-bench spokeswoman Cheryl Gillan has been declared to be dead by the privatised public utility - but she denies it.

The trouble began Gillan was sent a letter from British Gas addressed to "the late C Gillan".

"I was shocked," Ms Gillan said. "As you can see, I am very much alive and kicking."

British Gas is looking into the matter and hopes there will be no further episodes of morbidly addressed letter mishaps involving leading politicians or anyone else for that matter.

BARMY BUREAUCRATS OF BRUSSELS - LATEST

The papers' favourite bogeymen, the Barmy Bureaucrats of Brussels, are allegedly back.

Not satisfied with trying to outlaw prawn cocktail crisps and straighten out bananas, they now reportedly plan to ban kinky PVC underwear.

It sounds bad, but we are improving. We're letting in fewer goals than we used to. My usual coaching advice is 'Let's try not so many in next time lads.'

Paul Strickland, coach of a Devizes amateur league outfit dubbed "The Worst Team in the World" by The Sun after conceding 170 goals in 12 matches.

It is important to note that the EU does not object to kinky activity in general. The objection is on health grounds. PVC is said to give off dangerous gases.

The News of World quotes an unsurprisingly miffed "PVC knickers manufacturer" and perversion industry spokesman as saying: "We'll go bust if the EC comes up with these laws. What's the next ban going to be? Rubber?"

SOMETHING IN THE AIR

A new spin this week on Phil Collins' old hit I Can Feel it Coming in the Air Tonight.

Phil Collins is all over the tabloids and celeb mags like a rash this week on account of the fact that he has just become a father again at the age of 102.

Meanwhile the Manchester Evening News reports that what is believed to be a giant lump of frozen toilet waste has fallen into the garden of a Derbyshire man creating a foot-wide crater.

Mere co-incidence? Maybe. Neighbours say they witnessed a freak snowball causing the damage.

One theory is that the ice lump was formed from water leaking from a passenger jet's toilet - a fairly frequent event according to the Civil Aviation Authority.

But like the subject matter of the song itself, the incident basically remains a mystery.

INTERNATIONAL NEWS

It is sometimes asserted that the UK tabloids are not much interested in foreign news.

But all this week The Star has been writing about Jordan with near-psychotic attention to detail.

On Monday most of the front page was given over to a huge picture of Jordan with the headline "JORDAN GETS INTO SHAPE, see page 10" - obviously a reference to economic reforms in the Middle-Eastern kingdom.

Page 10 has more powerful photojournalism, revealing that Jordan is indeed getting into shape - mostly by going on a diet.

Other papers meanwhile have been reporting Phoenix - fulcrum of economic development in the South West United States.

Meanwhile surfing enthusiasts riding the waves at Breamlea beach near Melbourne, Australia were reported to be "surprised" after zipping through a flock of drowned and drowning sheep.

Animal welfare officer Jason Nichols said: "There were about 200 sheep in various states of stress. Some of them had been treading water for hours". The sheep had been swept into the sea during a flooding incident.

LIFE IMITATES TV

Nothing delights editors more than discovering the "real life" version of some TV character or other.

The latest sensation is Marlene Lincoln, 48, of Norwich, who is the "real life" equivalent of Maureen the Hopeless Driver, who starred in the BBC TV hit Driving School (which was, incidentally, a documentary, not a drama).

Mother-of-two-Marlene has at last passed her driving test at the 13th attempt after spending 12 years and £4,000 on 200 lessons trying to learn.

"Maureen was known as Britain's worst driver and she only failed her test seven times," a peeved Marlene told the Daily Mail. "Watching her gave me no end of inspiration."

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