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Friday, 16 February, 2001, 16:09 GMT
Amazing tales from Planet Tabloid
Planet Tabloid logo
News that is out of this world
Welcome to our regular trip to the outer fringes of the news universe. This week the internet's pact with the devil, lots of news about spoons and hats and adventures with a mind-reading psychic parrot. But first...

Burning issue of the week:

Q: Is Tintin gay?

A: Yes. And so is his dog, Snowy. Or at least the Daily Star says so.

E-COMMERCE EXPLAINED

A man in America has offered his soul for sale on the internet.

In the original version of this stunt Dr Faustus dealt directly with the devil and demanded eternal life and perfect knowledge in return for his soul.
The Devil
More generous than e-bay users

This time American soul-selling man, Adam Burtle, used e-bay.

Mr Burtle therefore waited for a long, long time before receiving an offer of six dollars and sixty six cents from somebody he knew anyway.

EUROPEAN POLITICS ROUND-UP

In Italy the main issue continues to be the national debate over the patting of bottoms.

The question is: "Is it OK for men to pat women on the bottom".

Generally speaking the communists (and women) say "no" while the neo-fascists (and judges) do not seem to mind so much.

The tabloids have been covering the story for almost a month now.

Yet there is no sign of waning interest.

In France, meanwhile, the political scene is apparently dominated by the campaign of an "exotic dancer" called "Cindy Lee" who is standing for election in Paris.

The Reverend James Thuroughs was respected by his community and beloved by his parishioners - until he lost his church in a high-stakes poker game in Las Vegas

World Weekly News

Ms Lee is promising to open council-run wife-swapping clubs if elected. She is also promising to dress council workers in "sexier uniforms" and, in addition, give people time off work which they can dedicate to "love and pleasure".

THE WORLD OF THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER

The National Enquirer describes itself as America's Hottest Weekly.

This week it has an in-depth investigation into the types of hats worn by TV celebrities and movie stars.
Girl in hat
Jennifer Lopez in a hat

The Enquirer has discovered that a great many celebrities wear hats from time to time. They include Pretty Boy Brad Pitt, Red Head Cameron-Diaz, Marla Maples, Tia Carrere, Kim Delaney, Lela Rochon, Minnie Driver, Pink, Christie Brinkley and Ever-fashionable Madonna.

You may think that the fact that a person is wearing a hat is not very interesting.

But you would be wrong.

Hat-wearing is a matter of great importance and the National Equirer rightly devotes a lot of attention to the subject.

DEPARTMENT OF JUST DESERTS

A north London burglar was this week hoist by his own petard when he broke into a house, stole a mobile phone and then tried to sell it to the first person he met on the street.

Inveitably the person to whom the bargain stolen phone offer was made was the owner of the phone in the first place.

The Press Association reports that the burglar was later charged with a series of burglaries and related offences - all thanks to the modern wonder of DNA testing and tracing.

LATEST NEWS ABOUT PSYCHIC PETS

A woman in the United States has discovered that her pet parrot N'Kisis is psychic and can read her mind.

The parrot woman, Aimee Morgana, had long suspected that her parrot - like many other animals - has paranormal powers.

The proof came when, for reasons which are not explained by USA Today - the source of the story - she hired a British biologist to conduct a telepathy experiment.

N'Ksis, it was found, could repeat 23 "accurate comments" out of 123 occupying the mind of Morgana.

This definitely proves that parrots, which have brains not much bigger than a peanut, can read human minds.

Plans for practical application of this scientific breakthrough are sketchy.

SURVEY NEWS

Hair colour determines how much you get paid at work and, in addition, how happy you are in life.

People with blond hair are the least well-paid people. People with light brown hair earn the most.

One possible problem with the survey is that it was conducted in Reykjavik, Iceland where there is an unsually large number of blond people.

DO THEY MEAN US?

BBC programme makers have been given an expensive brochure advising them how to sit down on their bottoms.

The news follows recent tabloid revelations that BBC staff do not know how to walk through a door and, also, had to be given a lengthy instruction manual on the topic of pouring water into a kettle...

Clearly the people at the BBC are mad. It is a wonder that they can even pick up a Biro without stabbing themselves in the eye.


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