Amazing tales from Planet Tabloid

News that is out of this world

This week the quest continues for the woman with the longest legs, there's an outbreak of infantile violent poultry intimidation, a cat frozen in an ice cube and what makes Italian politics work. But first...

BURNING ISSUE OF THE WEEK

Is Darius from the TV show 'Popstars' nastier than Nasty Nick from Big Brother?

The conclusion appears to be "yes"... though readers are advised to make up their own minds.

An eight-year-old boy has been suspended from school after threatening a teacher with a piece of chicken.

Britain's sofas have a total £22m in loose change lying behind the cushions - averaging 89p each - says a poll by vacuum cleaner firm Vax

The Sun

BOY DOESN'T KILL TEACHER WITH CHICKEN 'GUN'

Chicken crime is rare - even in Arkansas, where the horror took place.

Feathers flew when hell-child Christopher Kissinger pointed a piece of chicken at a teacher.

"Pow! Pow! Pow!" the savage young teacher-baiter yelled.

After the suspension his mother called the ban "outrageous" and "absurd", adding: "It's just a piece of chicken. How could you play like it's a gun?"

Police do not suspect fowl play.

TRUTH STRANGER THAN FICTION DEPARTMENT

Cool for cats

A Minnesota woman has found a live cat frozen within a block of ice.

The woman was driving past a large ice chunk on a road - also in Minnesota - when she spotted a feline face peeping out from inside the glassy, frosty giant ice-cube.

In a way which is not explained by the Channel 4000 tabloid website which broke the story, the cat freezing episode took place inside the wheel arch of another car.

Then the cat-laden ice block fell onto the road.

SURVEY NEWS

Choice of nibbles at parties is linked to career according to The Sunday Times

Politicians prefer nuts

Stockbrokers like crackers

Truck drivers, nurses and judges picked popcorn

Journalists and firemen preferred pretzels

The news comes from the Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation of Chicago

So now you know

The Minnesota car woman said: "I was making a left hand turn, the windows were down, and I went by this ice chunk. I noticed there was a little cat face in it. The first thing I thought was 'poor thing, it died'. Then I heard a miaow."

Car women plans to keep the cat, which she has renamed "Car Cat".

ITALIAN POLITICS EXPLAINED

The granddaughter of fascist dictator Benito Mussolini and a Communist cabinet minister have had a "brawl" live on TV over the issue of whether it is OK for men to pat women on the bottom.

Then the whole thing was written up on the front page of a newspaper solely devoted to football in the style of a boxing-match report.

The Communist, Ms Bellillo - who is Italy's minister for equal opportunities, told Ms Mussolini: "Shut your mouth. You who call yourself Mussolini, you don't have a right to speak."

A two-year-old boy has survived a 20ft plunge despite landing head-first on concrete. Steven Dallas fell from the first floor of his Glasgow home as he played alone in his room.

Daily Record

Ms Mussolini shouted back: "Communist, Communist, you shut up since you're a Communist - why don't you go and live in Cuba."

Italy is famous for politics which was invented there by Machiavelli in the middle ages.

Top Italian women today claim the country's men are also notorious bottom pinchers - members of the fascist party presumably being particularly bad offenders.

LATEST LONG LEG NEWS

Not the longest

The search for the woman with the longest legs in the world continues.

Strangely, the UK seems to be particularly blessed with the longest-legs-in-the-world women.

Last week it was decided that the world's longest-legged person was Lisa from Essex.

This week it is fellow Briton Lynne Ellis, reports the Daily Mail..

NOBODY MISSED THEM

A fitness fanatic has been sentenced to 12 months probation for stuffing a cucumber down his shorts at a gym. Glasgow Sheriff Charles MacFarlane QC said: 'This kind of thing can't be tolerated'.

Daily Record

Employees in the French embassy in Morocco have stumbled upon four forgotten skeletons in a rarely-used room.

Staff think the remains at the consulate in Casablanca could be French citizens who died during riots there in the 1950s.

They were apparently brought there but then forgotten about, reports Pravda.

The world was not a notably worse place as a result is the obvious implication.