Amazing tales from Planet Tabloid

Welcome to our weekend trip to the outer fringes of the tabloid universe.

Alarming accident update

Last week on Planet Tabloid a man got his arm stuck round the U-bend of a mobile toilet. He had the bad luck to be searching for his dropped watch when the lavatory was hoisted away.

WOMAN GIVES BIRTH TO TORTOISE

The African Independent

This week The Sun reported the initially tragic but ultimately triumphant tale of Merseyside toddler Jordan Moran who got his head stuck in a detachable toilet seat after mistaking it for "a HAT!"

Mum Rachel said of the rescuing fire aces: "They were brilliant. I can't thank them enough."

Booze News

Members of a pub pool team in Lancashire have won so much beer that they have had to stop playing so they can drink it all.

Would you Adam 'n' Eve it?

A "hairy beer belly" with a life of its own this week escaped and jumped into a canal.

"We've won nearly every season for the past four or five years, and as the league sponsors, Thwaites Brewery give us 36 gallons of bitter for each win. We need a break just to finish the barrels we've stockpiled," a spokesman for the team told the Press Association.

After winning the double of league and local champion of champions titles, the squad members now have more than 100 pints each to get through.

In an unrelated development this week a "hairy beer belly" with a life of its own this week escaped from the set of a sportswear commercial and jumped into a canal.

The 8ft belly is in reality a foam rubber model operated, Tellytubby-style, by an actor sweltering inside.

The belly has now become a popular icon and has generated "tremendous interest" according to several tabloids and an even larger number of PR companies.

World gone bonkers bulletin

Last week a Moscow TV station hired a monkey called Johnny di Palma to interview celebrities.

Spike your own coffee with laxatives

World Weekly News on office politics

This week Canada's National Post reported that the Carribean island of Puerto Rico is importing 300 tonnes of Canadian snow so that islanders in the capital San Juan can enjoy a White Christmas.

The temperature in San Juan at this time of year is 30 degrees and the snow will be kept cool with by covering it in ice from a local refrigeration factory.

Stranger than fiction department

According to the Press Association this week police in Mainz, Germany, arrested a blind man for driving a car along the city's main street.

The blind man explained he had always wanted to give driving a try. He realised the dangers but kept things safe by "driving a couple of feet at a time, stopping, getting out and walking around the car checking for obstacles".

Possibly true, hopefully a hoax

An unfortunate woman from the Ondo area of Nigeria who had a five year pregnancy has at last come to the end of her labour.

Hard labour...

This week The African Independent reported that she had given birth to a 2lb 2oz baby tortoise.

"Local people are well known for their easy acceptance of miracles," the paper warns.

World Wide Celeb Beard Watch News

Men in India are following the example of David Beckham and turning to goatee beards because they are "easy to maintain, attract women and look fashionable," says the Times of India.

24 year old internet worker Vikrant R told the paper: "I've had one for the last four years. They are very common in Darjeeling."

Good advice, tabloid style

Confession and plea for advice: "I spiked my boss' coffee with a laxative, causing an unfortunate 'accident' at a board meeting. One of my co-workers saw me do it, and I just know if he puts any pressure on her she'll spill the beans. He'll fire me when she tells him I'm responsible. What should I do?"

Answer: "Spike YOUR OWN coffee with laxatives and have your own 'little accident'. The boss will focus his attention on other 'suspects' and you'll be off the hook for good!" (World Weekly News, Florida).

And finally...

If you spot an amazing tale, let us know through the form below. Please tell us when and where you saw it.