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Wednesday, 2 January, 2002, 10:37 GMT
Christmas crackers: Tell us your favourite joke
The search is still on for the world's funniest joke and a UK psychologist has just revealed the first results from his Laugh Lab, set up to find out what sort of gags make us all chuckle.

The experiment on the internet reviewed 10,000 jokes with the help of 100,000 surfers from more than 70 countries.

Males preferred jokes that involved aggression, putting women down and sexual innuendo; women preferred jokes that played on words.

With Christmas just around the corner, we want to know what is your funniest Christmas cracker joke.

Although cracker jokes are notoriously bad, we hope you can come up with some real Christmas crackers!

This debate is now closed. Read a selection of your comments below.


Your reaction


One to change the lightbulb

CNS, Durham, England
How many Manchester United fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three: one to change the lightbulb, one to buy them the official Manchester United Lightbulb Changing Memorabilia pack, and the other one to drive them all back to Surrey.
CNS, Durham, England

A horse goes into a pub.

The barman says, 'What's with the long face?'
Stuart, Canada

Q: What do you call a vicar on a motorbike?
A: Rev!
Neil Halliday, UK

How people without a sense of humour does it take to change a lightbulb?
One.
James, England

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says: "Oi! Get out! We don't want your type in here".
Steve Thomson, UK

Q: What do baby apes sleep in?
A: Apricots
Suze, UK


Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No idea

Clive, UK
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No idea.
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A: Still no idea.
Clive, UK

Q: How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza?
A: Deep pan, crisp and even.
David, UK

Q: What's the difference between a weasel and a stoat?
A: A weasel is weasally recognised and a stoat is stoatally different.
Steven, Scotland

Q: What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: A carrot.
Sarah, UK

Q: What do you call a man with a spade in his head?
A: Doug
H, UK

Q: What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
A: Cliff
Andrew, England

Q: What do you call a woman that fell off a cliff?
A: Eileen Dover.
Garry Smith, England

Q: There are three budgies in a cage: one at the top, one in the middle, one at the bottom. Which one owns the cage?
A: The one at the bottom as the other two are on higher perches.
Martin, UK

A man goes into a butcher's and says "Do you keep dripping?" and the butcher replies "Yes, it's very embarrassing."
KC, UK

Two cows in a field. First cow: "What do you reckon to all this mad cow disease business then?"
Second cow: "Doesn't bother me, I'm a helicopter."
D, UK

An Irishman, a Scotsman, and an Englishman go into a pub. The barman sighs and says, "Look, is this some sort of joke?"
Oliver, UK


Q: What's red and invisible?
A: No tomatoes

Ben Drake, York, UK
What's red and invisible?
No tomatoes.
Ben Drake, York, UK

Q: Where did Napoleon keep his armies?
A: Up his sleevies.
Don, Scotland

Two tankers have collided in the south Atlantic, one carrying brown paint, the other carrying purple paint. The crews are said to be marooned.
Paul Coyne, England

Christmas in Star Wars land and Darth Vader says to Luke Skywalker, "Luke, I know what you are getting for Christmas," and Skywalker replies "How?" "Because I have felt your presents," replies Vader.
Lee, UK

A man goes to the doctor with a wombat growing out of his head. The doctor says "My God - how did that happen?" and the wombat says "Well doctor, it started as a boil on my backside."
Anne, UK

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
Dave Paton, Scotland

Q: How many crime writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it has to have a really good twist at the end.
Vicky, UK

Q: What do you call a fish with no eye?
A: A fsh
Al, UK

Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget.
Tom, UK

Q: Who wore the first shell suit?
A: Humpty Dumpty
Ruth, Scotland

Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "Can you drive this thing?"
Iain, UK

Two fish are sat on a perch, one says to the other "Can you smell fish?"
Nick, UK

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk
Helen, UK

What do you call a woman who delivers puppies?
A midwoof.
Jason, UK

What you call a man who's scared of Christmas?
Noel Coward
Martin, UK

Q: hen is a jar not a jar?
A: When its a door!
Terry Amis, UK

Q: What did Big Ben say to the leaning tower of Pisa?
A: I've got the time if you've got the inclination.
Edarn, UK

A train full of tortoises crashed into a busload of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.
Chris Birch, UK

There were two cannibals eating a clown and one says "Does this taste funny to you?"
Chris, UK

Q: How many hairdressers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb and four to say "Marvellous Gary."
Hamish, UK

Q: How many people with no sense of humour does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One.
James, England

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fish.
Will, UK

Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick.
Q: What else is brown and sticky?
A: Another stick.
John, UK

My favourite joke is: What do you call a man who sleeps in leaves?
Russell
Sean Bennett, England

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb......?
A: None - the lightbulb has to want to change first....
Niall Kennedy, UK

Did you know that stifle is an anagram of itself?
Anthony, England

See also:

19 Dec 01 | Sci/Tech
Science is a bag of laughs
10 Sep 01 | Talking Point
What is the world's funniest joke?
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