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Tuesday, 20 March, 2001, 11:52 GMT
Send us your favourite joke for Comic Relief

It is that time of year again. Red Nose Day is back.

The charity fundraising event will culminate Friday with a seven hour-long TV extravaganza on BBC1.

A whole host of celebrities, and ordinary people, will be making complete fools of themselves to raise money for good causes in the UK and abroad.

There will be lots of jokes, most of them good, some of them very bad.

So why don't you send us your favourite joke? We'll publish as many as we can, even if they are bad. After all, if Lenny Henry can get away with it, why can't you?

And remember, if you want to donate to Comic Relief, call 08457 910 910 or visit the Comic Relief website

This Talking Point has now closed. Read a selection of your comments below.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? - FSH! What do you call a man with a spade on his head? - Doug! What do you call a man without a spade on his head? - Dougless! What do you call a man in a pile of leaves? - Russell!
David, UK

Rolf Harris was going to get married to a Kangaroo, but she broke it off because she didn't want to be tied down..
Jeff Dray, England

Hear about the man with two left feet? He went into a shoe shop and asked for a pair of flip flips...
Steve, UK

Two lawyers are hiking in the mountains when they see a mountain lion about to attack them. Lawyer one starts to take off his backpack. Lawyer two asks him what he is doing. "Getting ready to run," replies lawyer one. "You're crazy, you can't outrun that cat," says lawyer two. Lawyer one responds, "I don't have to outrun the cat, I just have to outrun you".
Alan Murphy, USA

How do you confuse an Irishman Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.
Simon Martin, England

What is green, has four legs and, if it fell out of a tree, would kill you?

A Billiard Table.
Kristian, Canada

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff then asked the old farmer, "Where they ALL dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how these politicians lie."
Balaji T V, India

Putin: oh what an year!
Bush: Oh God what an election whoops!
Blair: what a disease?
Pak: what a nasty game of politics!
India: What an earthquake!
UN: We have nothing to be worried about because we don't do anything to make us disturb!
Saima, Pakistan

Lil' Johnny's mother asked him, "Why did you get such a low mark on that test?" "Because of absence," he replied. "You mean you were absent on the day of the test?" she asked. Lil' Johnny replied, "No, but the kid who sits next to me was."
Kwon Hyun Jin, Sungkonghoe University, Korea

Wife: If I will be granted another life to live over again, I would pass away through the narrow street to escape from you!
Husband : Honey! You would find me at end of that narrow street that leads towards your house.
A.R. Shams, Pakistan

A dog with big floppy ears walks into a bar, walks up to the barman and says: "Have you got any bread?" The barman says: "No."
The dog looks at him and goes again: "Have you got any bread?" Barman: "No!!"
Dog (unrelenting):" Have you got any bread?" Barman (losing his temper): No! I don't have any bread and if you ask we one more time I'm gonna nail you by the ears to the wall!"
Dog (appears to think about it): "Have you got any nails?" Barman: "No."
Dog: "Have you got any bread?"
Natalia N, UK

An eccentric guy drove around in buggy pulled by a female ostrich. One day he was out driving and the ostrich slipped its harness and ran away. A policeman found him stranded on the side of the road and asked what happened. The guy said "my big hen's gone"
R.L.Sayer, USA

Madonna doesn't have one, the Pope has one but he doesn't use it, Arnold Schwarzenegger has one and it's a long one. What is it?
Answer - It's a surname.
George Muchineuta, South Africa

Government Verbosity:
Pythagorean theorem: 24 words.
The Lord's prayer: 66 words.
Archimedes' Principle: 67 words.
The 10 Commandments: 179 words.
The Gettysburg address: 286 words.
The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.
U.S. Government regulations on cabbage sales: 26,911 words.
Major, Amsterdam

An English gentleman is travelling through Mexico and gets lost, he stops and asks a rural folk where he is: "You are in the Jalisco Highlands", he replies, "where men are real men and women are real women" - An excellent combination, he replies.
James Keith, USA

There were three escaped convicts running from the police. With the police right on their tails, the convicts run into a forest and decide to climb trees to hide. The police run into the forest in hot pursuit, only to lose track of the convicts. Suddenly, one of the officers looks up and sees the shadow of one of the convicts in a tree. He alerts the other officers and asks, "What's that up in the tree?" The convict thinks quickly and replies, "Hoooo Hoooo!" The officers promptly think, "Awww, it's only an owl." So, they walk on, and stop when they spot another shadow in a nearby tree. The second convict, thinking that the first guy had the right idea, replies, "Meowww." The cops think, "Great, it's some poor cat stuck up there" and walk on. After another few minutes, the eagle-eyed officer sees the third convict and confers with his fellow officers. The third convict, seeing his cohorts good luck, decides to try the same method to fool the police below. So, he bellows at the top of his lungs, "Mooooooo!"
Crystal, USA

Q: How many union electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four men, thirty minutes -- it's in the contract.
James Castro, USA

Q: Why did the whale cross the ocean?
A: To get to the other tide.
Joe Pop, Ukraine

Q. What do you have when you have three people standing on a street corner in any city in Arkansas?
A. A full set of teeth.
PLD, USA

What do you call a three legged donkey?
Wonky.
Edward, England

Q :How do you get holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it.

Q: How do you get a Blonde on the roof?
A: Tell her the drinks are on the house.

Q: Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Micheline, Montréal, Canada

There are 3 kinds of people in the world ... people who can count, and people who can't.
Tash, USA

Q: How do you get 100 Pikachu on a bus A : You Pokemon
Alan, England

Draculas walking along the graveyard when all of a sudden he gets intensively pelted by fruit, veg, pasta, pizza and other nibbles.

...How did he die? Buffet the vampire slayer of course
Karl, Wales, UK

This young boy asks he Mum "Mum does does God live in our bathroom." "No" replied his mother "Why" "Well" say the boy "Every time Dad knocks on the bathroom door he shouts "God are you still in there".
David Murphy, England

Patient: Doctor I can't stop singing the green green grass of home Dr: That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome Patient: Is that rare? Dr: It's not unusual!
Emma, UK

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home in retirement in South Africa when he hears the doorbell ring. Answering it he sees a Japanese guy with a truck-load of car exhausts and a clip-board yelling "You sign, you sign!" Nelson tells him that he's at the wrong place and the guy goes. Next day he's pottering in the garden when the same Japanese guy turns again with a truck-load of mud flaps and starts yelling "You sign, you sign!" Nelson is getting a bit annoyed but still politely asks the guy to go and he does. Next day Nelson is just settling down for an afternoon nap when the door is virtually knocked off the hinges by someone hammering on it. When he opens it the same Japanese guy is there with a truck-load of windscreens yelling "You sign, you sign!" By now Nelson is getting very angry and says "Look, just go away leave me alone will you!" To which the Japanese guy stops and says, "What is problem? You not Nissan Main Dealer?"
David Durant, UK

What do you call a monkey butler?

..."You Rang?" Utang
Nick Wiggins, Devon

A man walks into a butcher's and asks 'Have you got a pig's head?' 'I certainly have.' replies the butcher. 'Give me a pound of sausages then, you porky-faced twit.'
Marcia, England

Sequel to Dave Braithwaite's joke:
After Quasimodo dies, the deacon advertises for his replacement. After many fruitless weeks, a mysterious stranger enters the church and enquires about the job. The deacon directs him towards the bell rope. However, instead of using the rope, the stranger goes up to the bell tower and starts nutting the bell with his head. It produces a wonderful, sonorous tone and deacon hires him on the spot. In his joy, the man has a heart attack and drops dead. When the police arrive, the deacon is asked who the man is. Replying, he says, "I don't know, but his face rings a bell."
The deacon must hire a new bellringer. Finally another man applies for the job and turns out to ring the bell the same way as the first. Unfortunately he dies too. When asked who he is the deacon responds, "I don't know but he's a deadringer for the first guy."
Robin Wintjen, USA

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Sherie, UK

Good King Wenceslas phones pizza hut...

"Just the usual, he says, deep pan, crisp and even..."
John Cornford, UK

The Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of letting up. Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches Karaoke Bank is up for sale, and going for a song. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi bank and staff there fear that they may get a raw deal.
Pritesh, UK

David and Victoria Beckham come back from a holiday in New York and from the airport they decide to take a cab back home, on the way the driver asks them about their holiday, what they did and if there were any decent restaurants there. 'oh yeah' says David 'there was a great one in Manhattan, can't remember the name of it. Name a railways station in London' The cabbie is at first confused but obliges 'Kings Cross?' 'Nah that's not it' says David 'Euston?' 'Nope' comes a reply 'Paddington?' 'Na' The cabbie now starts to get fed up and tries one more time. 'Victoria?' 'Ah yeah' Replies David 'Victoria, what was the name of that restaurant in New York?'
Totally obvious but what the heck!
Nicola Kent, UK

A Polo mint is sitting in the pub having a quiet pint with his mate, Trebor. Suddenly, in walks Tune, who struts around the pub looking for a seat, but all the seats are taken. He walks up to Polo, pushes him off the seat and sits down. Polo walks out, followed by Trebor. "What did you let him do that for?" Asks Trebor, "You don't want to let a mint like that push you about". "Yeah!" says Polo, "But that's Tune, and I'm not going to upset him!". "Why the hell not?" queries Trebor. "Because he's Menthol".
Phil, England

This one seems very apt given the current government: "The trouble with political jokes is when they get elected"
Karl Peters, UK

I was in my car, driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're a managing director. And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
John, UK

A panda walks into a bar and eats a bag of crisps, shoots the barman and then walks out again. Confused, the landlord looks up 'Panda' in his encyclopaedia. It says 'Panda - mammal from China. Eats shoots and leaves.
Andrew Cooper, UK

Do you know the name of Jack the Rippers dog? Easy its Jack the Russell!
John - Nottingham, UK

Why do anarchists drink herbal tea?

...Because proper tea is theft.
BP604, UK

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: A fish
Barbara Lindsay, England

How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?

...One to change the bulb and four to sing about how good the old one was.
Gill, England

What's got 4 legs and an arm?

A: Rottweiler.
Alex Banks, Wales, Living in Sweden

This guy lived on his own and he was feeling a bit lonely, so he goes to the pet shop to get something to keep him company. The pet shop owner suggested an unusual pet, a talking millipede. OK, thought the man, I'll give it a go, so he bought one and took it home.
That night he decided to test out his new pet, so he opened the box and said, "I'm going to the pub for a drink, do you want to come too?"
But there was no reply.
He tried again, "Oi, millipede, wanna come to the boozer with me?"
Again, no response.
So the man ranted and raved for a bit, but after a while decided to give it one more try before he took the thing back to the shop. So he took the lid off the box and repeated, "I said I'm going to the pub for a drink do you want to come?"
"For God's sake, I heard you the first time!" snapped the millipede, "I'm just putting my shoes on!!"
Louise, UK

A dog walks into a pub. He goes up to the bar and says "Can I have a Pint of Guinness and a packet of Cheese and Onion crisps please?" "Sure" says the barman. He hands over the pint and crisps and takes the dogs money, and the dog then retires to the beer garden. Whilst all this was going on a man who was just down the bar from the dog, was watching this with his mouth wide open. After the dog had gone he turned to the guy next to him and said "Did.....did you see that.....? That dog just came into the pub and ordered a pint and a bag of crisps!!!!" "So?..." the other guy said. "well....don't you think that is a BIT unusual?" said the man. "Actually, now you mention it yes it is.." says the other guy, " He usually orders Salt and Vinegar."
Dan, UK

To: Sir A. Ferguson From: The Manager The Vale of Glamorgan Country Hotel Mid Glamorgan Wales
Subject: Your Booking
Dear Sir,
Regarding your reservation for a party of 22 over the weekend of 11th-13th May 2001. My assistant manager has pointed out to me that this is 'Cup Final' weekend. Given that I am led to believe you are involved in Association Football, I was wondering if you would like us to install a big screen so that you can watch it?
Mat Allen, UK

Q: How many Manchester United fans does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 5 - One to change the light bulb, one to drive them up from Torquay, one to buy the commemorative 'Changing of the Light Bulb' T-shirt, Lampshade, Car sticker etc, one to claim they've been attending light bulb changing all their lives but have never been to the actual place where light bulbs are changed and one to complain about the state of the pitch of the light bulb fails.
Bobby, Berks

Two vampire bats wake up, on says I'm starving and flies off out of his cave. Two minutes later he's back, face covered in blood. The second bat asks where he's been to which the first bat says have you seen that tree just out side the cave? yes said the second. Well I didn't!
Allan, UK

What's grey and can't climb trees? A carpark.
George, UK

After Quasimodo dies, the deacon advertises for his replacement. After many fruitless weeks, a mysterious stranger enters the church and enquires about the job. The deacon directs him towards the bell rope. However, instead of using the rope, the stranger goes up to the bell tower and starts nutting the bell with his head. It produces a wonderful, sonorous tone and deacon hires him on the spot. In his joy, the man has a heart attack and drops dead. When the police arrive, the deacon is asked who the man is. Replying, he says, "I don't know, but his face rings a bell."
Dave Braithwaite, England

Where would you find a dog with no legs?

... Where you left it!
Emma, UK

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

... A carrot!
W T Barbarian, UK

A piece of tarmac walks into the bar and orders a pint. He then knocks over a pint, which belongs to a piece of asphalt. The asphalt roars "Hey, what on earth do you think you're doing?" "Sorry mate, look, OK, I'll buy you another pint" - which he duly does. A little while later another road type material walks in and knocks over the asphalt's pint. The asphalt says to the new guy, "its OK, don't worry about it, I'll get myself a new one." The new guy walks away, and the tarmac asks the asphalt, "why didn't you shout at him." The asphalt replied, "can't you tell? He's a cyclepath!"
David Apthorpe, UK

An Englishman, and Irishman and a Scotsman walk in to a bar. The barman says "Look, is this some sort of joke?"
(Sorry, can't think of any other jokes that are publishable.)
CNS, Durham, England

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Ian Hopgood, UK

Two eggs in a pan. One says to the other "It's hot in here". The other says "AAAARRRGGGGHHH - A talking egg!"
Ben Gray, UK

A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues. It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this would happen. The realisation of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his kids ? How would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his head in his hands trying to come to terms with his impending poverty. Just then, an elderly woman walked by. "What's the matter, love?" asked the old lady. The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman. Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud. One by one the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals. The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed, but she declined his offer and walked off across the field. A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer. "You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by. "No" said the farmer. "Who was it?"
"It was Thora Hird."
Kathryn, UK

OK, So there was an Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman.
What a fine example of an integrated community!
Anthony Walsh, England

What's the difference between an elephant and a polo mint?

...One's big and grey with a trunk and round feet and the others sort of small and white with a hole in the middle, obviously.
Chris C, UK

There are two Parrots sitting on a perch. The first parrot turns to the second parrot and says: "Can you smell fish?"
Mike, UK

A man walks into a bar.. and says "Ouch."
Oriel, UK

What the difference between Newcastle United and a Tea Bag?

¿A tea bag stays in the cup longer.
Billy Ingram, UK

There are two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says "How do you drive this thing?".
Will Adams, UK

One day, a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously and a genie appeared. "I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job - a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."
"Done!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."
Edel, UK

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
Edel, UK

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

¿To get to the other slide.
David Hymers, England

There were two cows in a field. One says to the other one "have you heard about this mad cow disease?" The other cow replies "It doesn't bother me, sure I'm a tractor anyway"
David Cooper, N. Ireland

Passing Prison Time
Three new inmates are sitting in their cell, contemplating the bleakness of their fortunes. The first one takes out a mouth organ. "At least I can keep myself amused by playing a little music. It'll help pass the time."
The second takes out a pack of playing cards, "we can while away the time playing poker," he says.
The third man takes out a box of tampons. "What the hell are you going to do with those?" the other two ask. He grins and says, "It says on the box that I can ride, swim, ski and play tennis with these!"
Tim, England

2 flies in an airing cupboard, which one is in the army? The one on the tank
Hugh Grection, UK

A man went into an Indian restaurant and asked for a chicken Tarka, Surely you mean a Chicken tikka said the waiter. Well its like a chicken tikka just a little 'otter.
Tim Reed, UK

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe, he orders two pints of beer and they are duly delivered. The man starts to drink his pint slowly but the giraffe downs his in one and falls dead on the floor. The man finishes his pint and gets up to leave, the bartender point to the dead giraffe and calls out "Hey you can't leave that lying here". The man replies..."That's not a lion, it's a bleeding giraffe!".
Can't put my name to this one, UK

David Beckham turns up for training one morning carrying a Thermos flask. Alex Ferguson asks "What's that Dave?"
David reply's: "It's a Thermos Flask, Victoria gave it to me.
Alex: "What does it do?"
David: "It's brilliant, it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold"
Alex: "What have you got in it today?"
David: "Two cups of coffee and a choc ice!"
Nigel (Tottenham Supporter), Cornwall, UK

Why did the prawn leave the night-club?

...Because he pulled a mussel.
Anon, UK, UK

David Beckham was at the Eminem gig the other week. Apparently he really enjoyed them on Sesame Street and he's going to see P, Q and R next week.
Bill, UK

Said in a Scottish accent What's the difference between Walt Disney and Bing Crosby?

...Bing sings and Walt Disney.
Dave Duncan, Scotland

Quazimodo, Cinderella and Tom Thumb sitting around the house. Cinderella says "Hey you guys, I bet I'm the prettiest girl in the world...I'll go and ask the mirror" Sure enough, Cindas returns with a smile on her face "Told you - I AM the prettiest girl in the world" Tom gets up "I bet I'm the smallest person in the world...I'll go and ask the mirror..." True to form, Tom returns with a smile on his face..."Yep - Told you" Quazi then says "I bet I'm the ugliest person in the world..." He returns looking very unhappy and asks "Who's this Anne Robinson?"
Gareth "Rasher" Dart, Wales

What did the fish say when it swam into the concrete wall?

Answer: Dam!
Geoff, West Lothian

Q: What's brown and sticky?

A: A Stick!
Oli, England

Shocking news just in:...
Japan has today banned all animal movements after discovering nibbled beds in Tokyo....

....They think it could be an outbreak of Futon Mouse disease.
Anon, UK

Why has Edward Woodward got four D's in his name?

Answer: Because he would be called Ewar Woowar if he didn't!
Jim lizard, UK

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