'I had never been in this place called grief'

For Australian widow Betty Mounser, coming to terms with grief has been the biggest challenge of her life. Here she describes her battle to cope after the death of her husband Bob, and her determination to help others going through similar experiences.

At first Betty tried to deal with her grief on her own

I suppose in hindsight, I could think of a number of little things that were just not right.

But of course, I was not looking for anything. Why would I be?

In 1992, Bob had had an operation to remove a slight blockage in his left side carotid artery. It was very successful.

He even decided to start playing tennis again. But halfway through a game he just collapsed.

He was taken to hospital, but the doctor said he had died the instant he hit the ground.

I remember all of this quite clearly. But, of course, it was happening to someone else.

Harsh reality

We had a business in Sydney and had to notify a lot of people. I have no memory of any of this.

So many people had to be told and so many death certificates had to be produced. Without proof, it seemed, nobody was willing to believe that Bob had actually died.

The title of Bob and Betty's signature tune 'Unforgettable' is inscribed on Bob's gravestone

When it was all done, I wondered how I did it.

I thought it was not going to be too hard to cope. Then about six to eight weeks later, reality dawns and you fall into a big hole.

Suddenly life was not worth living. I had no reason to get out of bed. I tried to do all the things I had always done, but why? Who could I share them with?

This is when I needed help and support. But family and friends had seen me coping so well that I didn't want to upset them, and they needed to get on with their own lives.

My children had their own grief. Their father - the problem solver - was dead, and to them, their loss was as bad as mine.

Twelve years ago I was just like everyone else. I had never been in this place called grief.

Counselling

I muddled by for about 18 months.

Then I heard about Solace, a support group for widowed people.

I plucked up the courage to go along and was welcomed with open arms.

It was wonderful. Others were saying the things that I was feeling. I realised that although grief is a personal thing, there is a common thread.

Maybe we're still here because we have something to achieve

There is no time limit. It takes as long as it takes.

People are always saying: "Isn't it about time you got on with your life? Get out there and meet someone else. You're too young to be on your own."

In our hearts we all know this, but we cannot do this until we accept our loss and understand that we cannot change anything.

Like everyone else I had to work my way through the fog. There was no quick fix, and there were times when I could have thrown in the towel.

But I grew stronger and decided I would set up my own branch of Solace in Queensland, where I live, to share my knowledge with others.

Survival

Every single person who comes to Solace is widowed. It doesn't matter who you talk to, you know you're not alone... that you're not going crazy.

Betty's dog Tuppence has been her companion since Bob died

Solace offers grief counselling sessions and social days.

On the first Wednesday of the month we always go somewhere. Over the years it evolved that we usually go to the casino.

Going to clubs and casinos gets people out of their houses and stops them from being so isolated.

I've had lots of women say to me that they felt they were going crazy, so they put on some lipstick and went down to the casino. It's something they need, to just be with people.

I'd rather see someone do this - providing they can afford it - than go to the doctors for some anti-depressants, because I don't think that really helps.

My dog Tuppence and I moved to a retirement village on the Gold Coast 18 months ago and it is has given me a new network of friends and a sense of security.

Designed to combat the isolation of retirement, I feel I can enjoy a comfortable and independent lifestyle.

I've come to realise that life does still have a purpose, that maybe we're still here because we have something to achieve, to make it all worthwhile.

I've been on my own for 12 years now and I still like to remember.

We'll always have our memories. They will always be ours.

Just The Two Of Us was broadcast on Friday, 15 April, 2005 in the UK at 1455 BST on BBC Two.