Your religious funnies...

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The Racial and Religious Hatred Bill will make it an offence to stir up hatred on religious grounds and amends the law on encouraging racial hatred.

The new law is meant to protect people of all faiths from abuse but critics say it curbs free speech.

Click here for BBC Parliament's bill tracker and more on the proposed legislation

Some comedians fear they will no longer be able to poke fun at religion and in protest the Ship of Fools website have launched a search for "the funniest, and potentially most offensive, religious joke ever - while there's still time."

Click to visit the Laugh Judgement site

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Well, never let it be said that Newsnight viewers are all pointy-headed serious types... send us your jokes and views on the proposed legislation too, and we'll publish what we can on this page.

It is not our intention to offend anybody so, if you think you may be, please don't read on...

Click here to send your views and jokes...we'll publish a selection at regular intervals on Friday, 12 August, 2005.

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An American priest passed away and went to heaven, in the queue at the Pearly Gates he saw a taxi driver in front of him, quite surprised he asked the angel why the taxi driver was in front of him, as he had devoted his life to the church and tending to his flock. The angel replied that they work on the basis of results; did congregations listen to his sermon? "Well yes of course," said the priest "Very rarely someone would fall asleep, but usually they were attentive." "Well," said the angel, "Most people listened to the taxi driver, but almost everyone in his taxi prayed..."
Peter Chandler, Skelmersdale

A Jewish man comes to a synagogue and asks for help: "Rabbi, I have a problem: my son went to Christianity. What should I do?" "Well, it's a difficult question", the rabbi replies, "I must consult with God. Please, come back tomorrow".

The next day the man returns, and the rabbi says: "Sorry, I can't help you. God has told me He has the same problem with His son!"
Nikolay, Blacksburg, United States

God sets Jesus and the Devil the task of preparing and presenting a PowerPoint presentation. Just before the presentation is about to be given there is a power cut and both PCs go dead.

The devil comes forward and apologises for not having a presentation to give.

Jesus comes up and gives an absolutely fantastic multi-media presentation with all the bells and whistles.

The devil protests, "This isn't fair, how did he do that"

God replies: "Oh didn't you know; Jesus saves!"
Rev'd Dr Mike Bossingham, Cambridge

For their part in the fight against obesity, a Dublin company has developed a diet communion wafer. They plan to call it: "I Can't Believe It's Not Jesus."
James Erskine, Ballygowan, Northern Ireland

A Policeman out on foot patrol sees two Asian men sitting on the edge of the roof with their legs dangling over the edge. After calling for back-up the officer run up dozens of stairs and burst out sweating heavily on to the roof.

"Okay you two stay where you are. What's the game?" shouts the officer.

"We are playing the most secret game in all of Islam, officer", the first Asian replies.

"What's that?" questions the officer, trying to keep the two in situ until back-up arrives.

"Well, allow me to show you and with that he jumps off the building and shouts "Allah Akbar"

As he plummets to the ground the officer sprints to the building's edge beside the second man and looks over where he is astonished to see the falling figure do a back flip and slowly rise back up to the buildings roof.

"That's amazing", says the astounded officer. "Can anyone do that?"

"Only if you recant the sacred words," answers the freshly levitated man. "Please have faith and give it a try."

For he first time in his life the Officer embraces blind faith and throws himself over the edge. As he plunges towards earth he shouts "Allah Akbar" and proceeds to execute a full back flip. Two seconds later his body meets the pavements at many miles per second. Splat.

On top of the building the two Asian men look down solemnly. The second Asian man turns to the first and says,

"You know for the Prophet Mohammed, most beloved and holy, you can be a real s*** at times!"
Peter Draper, London

Q. What's the difference between religion & politics?
A. Ask me again in a minute!
Chris Thorp, Eastbourne

From Bill Hicks: A comedian is on stage in front of a largely Christian audience making fun of, amongst other things, Christianity. Later while leaving the theatre, he is approached by 2 member of the audience - one of them says:
"Hey you - we're Christians and we didn't like what you said about us."
The comedian replies: "Then, forgive me..."
Paul Hadfield, Barnsley, England

This guy dies and goes to heaven, where he is met at the pearly gates by St Peter who, on checking his name, tells the man he can't come in. "What?" says the man, "There must be some mistake, I was a model Christian went to Mass every week and lived my life by the Good Book."

"Sorry," says St Peter got you down here for swearing and taking the Lords name in vain, St Andrews 1961."

"Ah yes," says the man, "That was the day I had the perfect round up until the eighteenth, hit my drive 280yds down the middle but landed in a divet."

"So that was the reason," said St Peter. "No," says the man, "I took a 7 iron and hit a great that shot bounced onto the green but hit a spike mark and kicked into the bunker."

"So that was it then." "No," says the man "I hit a great sand iron to within 6" of the hole." With that St Peter says "Jesus Christ, you didn't miss the b***** putt!
Graham Saunders, Teignmouth, Devon

Boy: Doctor you must help¿ Doctor: What is it lad. Boy: God has punished me! Doctor: What do you mean? God has punished you. Boy: Well I was in church on Sunday and I fell asleep, suddenly I awoke on the floor after falling off my seat. The Priest said: "That is God punishing you for sleeping in the house of Our Lord." He was right, ever since my whole body has been hurting. I touch my leg and it hurts, I touch my arm and its agony, I touch my head and it's painful all over. Doctor: I see, well I wouldn't worry, it seems God decided to only break your finger.
Ian Franke, Newmarket

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