Tumour diary: A happy time

Tumour diary: A happy time

BBC News Online science and technology writer Ivan Noble was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumour last August.

Since then he has been sharing his experiences in a weekly online diary.

It has been a busy week and busy has meant less time to worry.

Our daughter's chickenpox disappeared almost as quickly as it appeared.

Either she has a superhuman immune system or, more likely, she had a really mild dose.

It is a harmless enough infection for most children, but nevertheless I am very glad to see her back to normal. She did look very funny covered in calamine lotion, though.

Her rapid recovery has meant that I am back at work, where I am happy to find myself working on three different things at once and, I hope, not making too big a hash of any of them.

Layers of normality

Putting back on the layers of normality and finding that they are comfortable and still fit is a really good feeling.

Even if things went really badly and I was not around for much longer, I would be leaving at a happy time.

When I was first diagnosed, I was catapulted forwards in my life to a position where I thought my life was almost over, as if I had become an old man overnight.

Now I have no particular evidence that this has changed except for the fact that I continue to feel strong and well.

I have decided to try to tackle all the anxiety about my scan by being more willing to make plans and get back into what was my normal life.

Looking after our daughter last week was hard work but great fun at times, then going back to work I found myself caught up in thinking about what I am working on and I realised that these are the things I want to do.

I was doing them before because I wanted to, so there is no reason to stop now.

Not dwelling on worries

I will always have scans and tests to face so I think that I should try not to let the worry make me put things on hold.

Having things on hold means having time to dwell on my worries and that is what allows them to grow.

The other thing that has made me less miserable about the scan is realising that even if things went really badly and I was not around for much longer, I would be leaving at a happy time.

I spent a very long time looking for the kind of relationship I now have with my wife. When our little girl joined us, I could not and still cannot think of anything that I would ever want to change.

Of course it would be a tragedy if I had to leave them but I feel strong enough to hope that I will not have to just yet.

All this introspection has been uncomfortable and tiring, not just for me, but I hope now that I can be a better father, colleague and husband as a result.

---

Your e-mails to Ivan

I have four brain tumours. I've been dealing with this since 1991. There is always worry and fear, but this time I'm expecting to hear I need surgery. I'm not working, but I take college classes to keep busy. I tend to mark the time by going from one semester to another... "If I can just finish this semester I will be OK." I talk about the future in theory but have no idea if I will actually be here for it. Enjoy this time of joy in you life, encourage those around you to realise their own.
Tracey, US

I'll try and do something about it - inspired by Ivan

Giacomo O. Squintani, UK

I've enrolled for the Butlins Swimathon, which raises about £2m for the Macmillan Cancer Relief fund. The main challenge, which I've plunged for, is 5,000m (200 lengths) in under three hours. As I was training on Friday night, I thought to myself (you have a lot of time to think, swimming...) "I don't actually know anybody with cancer." It's never actually directly hit my family nor my friends. And then I realised that through his column, I know Ivan. Not very well - even the internet has its limitations, but enough to feel even more determined to make that challenge.

I won't raise millions. And even millions won't help Ivan today. But on 22 March, I'll try and do something about it - inspired, to a large extent, by Ivan.

ps Readers wanting to sponsor me, please contact me at [e-mail]
Giacomo O. Squintani, UK

I am 24 and was diagnosed with testicular cancer. After the successful op, I was told I had a 40% chance of the cancer coming back. It has. I start chemo as an inpatient on Monday. Reading your column every week has made all the difference, inspiring me to really kick this cancer where it hurts. You said that you hoped something positive would come out of writing it. Well you were right, you have helped me beyond words, and for that I am forever in your debt.
Iain Ross, UK

I have two acquaintances each diagnosed with the most aggressive form of brain tumour. They're not completely well, but they are living actively and productively. The one thing they seem to have in common is an apparently total rejection of statistics. One of them has tried alternative treatments. The other just forges ahead. I love their spirit and hope that you will not let superstitious fear of tempting fate deprive you of the same sort of mind over matter strength. Warm best wishes to you and your family.
Zalie, US

Well done and chin up - compared to some of your first entries in this diary, you really are a completely different person - absolutely amazing. Your wife and child are incredibly lucky (as are you with them) to have someone who loves them unconditionally, whatever happens.
Hattie Lyddon, UK

One day your words may help me or someone I love to deal with this illness

Ian, England

I like so many others, pray for your return to full health. We must remember that one in three of us will be touched by cancer, so I am learning from what you tell us. One day your words may help me or someone I love to deal with this illness. And to the many doctors and cancer pioneers that read your updates - you are doing a brilliant job, we all owe you a massive debt for what has been achieved so far.
Ian, England

This is my first time I am reading about you. I am a 22-year-old girl suffering from cancer and I think I am not going to be alive later. I have lost my hope for living. Recently I got separated form my husband who I really love. Unfortunately he can't understand me and what I am going through. He thinks that I am recovered after I went through chemotherapy. But I am not.

I was shocked when I heard about my disease and now I am realising what has happened to me during my treatment. I don't know what is going to happen to me. Doctors don't tell me anything about my disease. No one could understand how I feel now. I have no goal. I can't do anything during the day. Days are passing by. I am happy for you that you cope with your problems.
Mey, Iran

I have been reading your column every week and it makes me think. Every one is destined to die, but, because we don't know when, we fool ourselves into believing we will live forever and take life for granted. Just imagine if every human being lived life with the intensity that you do... what a beautiful world we'd live in.
Jen B, US

My husband and I had cancer at the same time

Shirley, Scotland

Both my husband and I had cancer at the same time. We were both just finishing chemotherapy and both had no hair for our millennium celebrations. We are still here. My breast cancer is considered 'cured' and my husband is in remission for his fifth time. Life goes on. We are just back from Tenerife and I am off to Paris tomorrow for the weekend. We are now 50 and too young to die, making the most of every day. Next month we are holding a charity ball for the local oncology unit and hope to raise £10,000.
Shirley, Scotland

I wish that you could write a daily column... even if it was just a few lines each day because I find it very hard to wait until Thursdays after thinking of you all week. God bless matey :) xxx
Sam Kimber, UK

Heartiest commendations and good wishes. I too am writing, having an agent saying encouraging things and wanting half a book by March. I am in throes of chemo but OK, it's working and I'm working and after all it's what's in your head, not on your head that counts! More power to your elbow!
Jennifer Riggs, Australia

As someone who has been battling cancer for three years I understand completely where Ivan is coming from. Every test and scan are great worry, the treatment extremely difficult. Live your life Ivan - you have a lot of support.
Christine McElney, USA (British)

I would worry for weeks

Joseph Jabbar, UK

I was diagnosed with a malignant bone tumour and settled into a pattern of apprehension, scan, relief and renewed love of life for the following five years until the day my consultant told me that I need not bother anymore.

During the early 'scanning years' I was so concerned about them that I would worry for weeks beforehand and as the day approached I'd lose my appetite and stop sleeping. As time went by the apprehensiveness diminished to the extent that I became blasé about the scans and finally started forgetting to keep the appointments!
Joseph Jabbar, UK

When I was diagnosed with the Big C, while I did not panic, I was frightened but I do not know if it is a common reaction, I felt as if I had something dirty or repugnant within me. On the advice of my doctor I started to read about my ailment, and look at websites and all this helped reduce the stress and fear. I can see Ivan has the support necessary from friends and family and doctors to overcome his temporary hiccough.
Peter Glazier, Brazil

I stopped all treatment and travelled across India

Weera Jinadasa, Sri LankaI

I am now 67. After my secondary attack of cancer on lower spine, I stopped all treatment and travelled across India as I am more spiritual orientated and a devoted social worker. I strongly believe that service to God is service to man. Result: I am still surviving serving poorest of the poor dry zone farming communities In Sri Lanka, promoting basic human needs programmes - water, food production, education for poor children.

During my service as an ex-local government engineer from UK I enjoyed a worldly life with my wife and three children... while today more happy and contented with my spiritual life serving humanity. So! Ivan you are right ...let the cancer be there... leave it to the good Lord...let's be happy and occupied on some worthy course as a human being.
Weera Jinadasa, Sri LankaI

Ivan, I'm so glad that you're having such a positive week. After your rollercoaster ride over the last six months, I think it is fantastic and an inspiration that you can still be positive about loving life. I'm glad to hear that your daughter is feeling better too!
Angie, UK

I have watched my 14-year-old daughter fight a brain tumour, don't give up. Even the bad days can be turned around. God bless.
Elaine, UK

There is much hope for you Mr Noble. Both my parents are cancer survivors. My mother had breast cancer in 1981 when much less was known about it. It was a very horrible and frightening time for all of us. She is now in perfect health.

My father went through chemotherapy for colon cancer, but his was far less stressful to the body than my mother's treatments (what a difference 10 years made!). He likes to brag that he is bench pressing over 300lb in the gym again. You hang in there. You can very easily survive and live your life normally again. I've seen it twice now.
Gary, USA (American)

My father-in-law had cancer of the throat two years ago. He has recently been told that he will not recover from a cancer that is taking over his whole body. I am usually a very positive person but am finding it very difficult to give positive messages to a close relative that you know has limited time. Please let me know if you have any advice, as I found your articles very helpful.
Kay, UK

That's a lovely, and very human, way to look at things. I'll pray for you - that one day you'll be cured and won't need anyone's prayers anymore.
Ross Manning, UK

We won the lottery twice

Steve Raper, UK

There is always a chink of light, Ivan. My wife was diagnosed 18 months ago, and the treatment was (almost) as bad as the disease. We won the lottery twice though, as the chemotherapy worked like a dream to kill all cancerous cells, and an extremely difficult and delicate operation to remove the tumour was also successful. I'm sure her fantastic attitude, not letting the disease or treatment beat her, helped her enormously. I sense the same attitude in your articles, so there's always a chance. It can be beaten!
Steve Raper, UK

I find myself thinking about you during the week and looking forward to Thursdays when you update us all on the past week's events. It is the first thing I read every week. I feel like I have made a friend these past months. Good luck for the scan, my thoughts are with you.
Shirley, Canada (British)

This is the first time I read your column. You are not only an inspiration to people who suffer but also to people with good health. The very best for the present (that is all we have.)
Gabriela, Argentina

I continue to live, as I have from an early age, with losses of friends and family due to cancer. I can still see and hear each of them and think of them regularly. As I read your article, I realise how each of them has been, and continue to be, mentors as I move through life and career. Who knows what the future holds for you, but I suspect it will be positive in ways you cannot imagine.
Mike, USA

I have chanced upon your writing. A dear friend of mine, Anita (a 23-year-old Kiwi girl), died from a brain tumour after only a few weeks of illness. It was tragic. Visiting her Mum in NZ was harrowing. We were and are very sad, because we miss her. Her bravery was nothing short of remarkable, as yours is. I admired her, and I admire you. You two are inspirations for us lesser people.
David Allen, UK

Ivan, you devil you. Man, you are going to beat this thing. Take it from me, I was there six years ago and I am convinced I have beaten it. Ivan you have too much good things left to do on this earth. You will be just fine, keep on doing what you do best. Caring about others you will be rewarded by the man himself.
Anthony Johnnie, Germany

In addition to your fantastic column, what touches me are the comments sent in by all these different people. You've evidently moved a lot of people already, and the heartfelt goodwill directed towards you in these messages is thoroughly deserved. The very best of luck to you.
Simon Cam, UK

I just want to wish Ivan Noble all the very best for the future. He is a very strong young man with a positive outlook. Sincere best wishes,
Violet Barbour, UK

You're truly an inspiration to me. As someone who has suffered a bout of ill health and frequently felt sorry for themself, you have shown me what true courage is. Thank you.
Chris, UK

I just chanced upon your story, Ivan. And I have read some of the wonderful replies you have received. All I can add are my good wishes for the future. There is one more out here thinking of you!
Annette, UK

This terrible disease cannot get everyone

Victoria Doggett, UK

I lost a close friend to cancer at the age of 13, I am 20 now and will never stop loving her. Your readings are an inspiration that this terrible disease cannot get everyone, keep up the positive thoughts. My thoughts are with you.
Victoria Doggett, UK

I read Ivan's diary every week and find his bravery and yet his sense of reality to be so amazing. He is very brave and I truly wish him and his family all the very best with the forthcoming scan and life in general.
Rob, UK

Ivan, you are a very brave man. One of my biggest fears in life is cancer as I've seen many family members and friend's parents fall victim to it. I have read many articles that support the view that a positive outlook is something that can overcome cancer. You clearly have this positive outlook and I hope it sees you through many happy occasions and into old age. My thoughts are with you and your family.
Simone Gray, Scotland

As the girlfriend of someone who has to have regular scans and check-ups after remission, I can understand why you think your introspection is tiring for you and for your family. All I can say is share as many of your worries with your wife as possible - I find being shut out of my boyfriend's thoughts the hardest thing to deal with.
Lynne, Scotland

Wonderful, positive thoughts. Just keep on thinking this way until the scan is over. I now read your contribution first every week to see how you are doing.
Penny Brayfield, USA (British)

We all have many choices in life and a key one is to control our emotions, and not be a slave to them. You seem to have done this and I can only imagine how difficult that must be in your situation. Great to read that you are doing so well and I am sure I speak for many people when I say that I have great admiration for your strength and the love you have for your family. I hope this will allow you to recover 100%. Your impact on your readers is probably larger than you will ever know.
Adam, UK