Entertainer Michael Barrymore has admitted he considered ending his life after the death of a man in his swimming pool in 2001.
Barrymore, 54, was sacked by ITV in 2002 after Stuart Lubbock, 31, was found dead at his Essex home.
The entertainer said it was a "huge wrench" when his television career went into freefall.
"I got up one morning sat on the edge of the bed and I thought 'I'd be better off out of this'," he said.
"And I thought to myself where the hell did that come from.
"I was talking to myself - there was nobody else around - just put yourself in the shower, put your clothes, put yourself in the day and just forget this nonsense."
He added: "You have to remember... my pain is no different to anybody else's who has problems, except mine is public."
Barrymore then left for New Zealand where he got his "life back", he told BBC Five Live.
After Mr Lubbock's death Essex police carried out a lengthy review but no one was charged. Barrymore was given an official caution for drug offences and a coroner recorded an open verdict on the case in September 2002.
In February this year a district judge blocked a bid by a former solicitor to launch a private prosecution against Barrymore over Mr Lubbock's death on the grounds of insufficient evidence.
Barrymore, who has published a new book called Awight Now, Setting The Record Straight, said he hoped audiences would accept him again so that he could stage a comeback.
"I can only state my case. I can only do what I do for a living," he said.
"I did the Graham Norton show earlier this week where I was allowed to get a bit more humour back into things and go down that road.
"People see me doing what I do, what I've always done for them - is to entertain them and make them smile.
"But if they can't get rid of that or they don't to chose to forgive and forget, even though there's nothing to forgive and forget, what can I do?"