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Last Updated: Friday, 3 March 2006, 09:01 GMT
Oscars panel: Trevor Martin

'I'd like to thank ........'

When they unfurl the red carpet for the Oscars, I'd volunteer to vacuum it just for a chance to be there.

Trevor Martin
Name: Trevor Martin
Age: 45
Lives: San Francisco, US/Brighton, UK
Occupation: Retired events marketing consultant
Favourite all-time film: Now Voyager/Brokeback Mountain (it's a tie)

To be amongst the constellation of bejewelled and glowing glitterati - fabulous!

Lord knows on Oscar night the nominees probably haven't slept for days let alone eaten anything. I could vacuum the red carpet and make them chicken soup for sustenance.

I wonder how the nominees manage to keep that gracious, fixed smile as the other guy wins? They always applaud eagerly for the winner and give a knowing nod as though they expected to be trumped by their competitor.

They surely must rehearse that moment: "I am not disappointed I am delighted. I am not disappointed I am delighted." A pre-Oscars mantra.

It's only very occasionally that we see the fixed smile fall into a grimace. I wish it happened more often. It's far too posh to be so well behaved and nice.

Modesty must be so difficult to carry off in that split second. I wish an angry Academy-scorned actress would erupt into a tantrum and hurl a champagne bucket at the podium.

Janet Jackson popped her boob out at the Super Bowl so let's allow Dame Judi Dench a diva explosion.

What a mix of emotions to have to endure in front of the entire planet: All in a fleeting moment as an envelope is torn open.


TV cameras zoom in on the faces of all the about-to-be trounced nominees. What a dreadful moment for them. It must be excruciating.

By the time an actor gets to the point of actually being nominated for an Oscar I am sure the inner self-confidence is probably almost supernatural. I suspect, however, that the delightfully innocent need for applause never goes away.

Break a leg everyone!

If I were on a podium right now I'd like to thank... Heath and Jake. Your performances changed my life and so many others have said the same about you. Thank you and good luck Brokeback!

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