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Thursday, July 8, 1999 Published at 12:38 GMT 13:38 UK


Entertainment

Your jokes of the century

Carry On Camping inspired one contribution

Q.What's brown and sticky?

A.A stick!
Chris Kent, England

Q: What goes 'clip'?

A: A one-legged horse.
MDJ, UK

What do you call a sheep with no legs?

A cloud!
John Williams, UK

Q: What do you get when you cross a Kangaroo with a Sheep?

A: A Woolly Jumper
Jason Hodge, UK

Where do policemen live?

999 Letsby Avenue
Victoria Cooke, UK

My dog has no nose!

How does it smell?

Awful!
Anthony Peacock, USA

An old man is driving along the motorway when he is pulled over by the police.

"Do you realise your wife fell out of your car five miles back?" says the police officer.

"Thank goodness" exclaims the old man, "I thought I was going deaf!"
Dr Alexander Simkin, UK

Why have elephants got Big Ears?

Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom
Angus, UK

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Simon Jones, the Netherlands

What's green, has four legs, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?

A snooker table.
Nigel Burke, UK

How do you make an idiot read a dumb joke?
Marc Isaacson, USA

A man walks into a pet shop and says he wants to buy a Parrot.

Certainly says the owner, I have African Greys in stock, those in the bottom row of cages are 100 pounds each and those in the top row of cages are 200 pounds each.

Why is there such a difference in the price?, asks the man.

Because, says the Pet Shop owner, the Parrots in the top cages are on higher perches.
Neil Ashurst, UK expat in Ghana

Two cannibals were having some soup for lunch. One said to the other, "I really don't like my mother-in-law".

The other one said, "That's OK, just eat the noodles."
Raiford Rogers, USA

What's red and doesn't exist?

No tomatoes.
Alastair, UK

What is the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Most people can roast beef...
Keith C Franklin, UK

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Oh, just one. But the light bulb has to really want to change!
Sylvia, USA

What is red and clever?

A strawberry with a calculator!!
Beth, London

A horse walks into a bar.

The barman says, "Why the long face?"
James Brett, England

A man goes to his doctor. He flexes an appendage and syas, "Doctor it hurts when I do this."

The doctor replies, "Then don't do that."
Brad Evans, Canada

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.
Alan McLeod, Canada

What did the number zero say to the number eight.

Nice belt.
Anon, Denmark

There are these two cats swimming across the river. One was called "OneTwoThree", and the other called "UnDeuxTrois".

Which one got across the river first?

"OneTwoThree" of course, because the UnDeuxTrois cat sank.
Ben Ketteridge, Wales

A man and wife are fast asleep when they hear a knock at the door. The man rolls over and checks the time. It is 3.30 am so he decides to ignore it.

However the knocking persists so the wife persuades her husband to answer it. He leans out the window and shouts 'What do you want?'

A voice replies 'can you give me a push?'

'No chance, it's 4 in the morning,' and with that he shuts the window.

When he explains to his wife what the guy wanted she says, 'Wait a minute, remember that time it was 2 in the morning, pouring with rain, we had the kids in the back and our car broke down. Go and give him a hand.'

With that he gets dressed and goes outside. 'Do you still want a push?' he shouts.

'Yes' came the reply.

'Where are you I can't see you'

'Over here on the swings'
Neil Smith, Scotland

A man takes his dog to the vet. The vet tells him that the dog is dead. The man is really upset and asks for a second opinion.

The vet agrees and calls in a labrador. The labrador looks at the man's dog and then howls.

The vet says that the labrador obviously agrees with him. Still not satisfied, the man asks for a third opinion. The vet then calls in his tabby cat. The cat sniffs the man's dog and then stalks out of the room with it's tail held high and a sneer on it's face. The vet says that the cat agrees too.

The man finally gives up. 'Fair enough, what do I owe you ?'

'That'll be £310,' says the vet.

'£310!!!?'

'Yes,' says the vet, 'I charge you £10, but the lab test and cat scan are £150 each.'
Liz, England

Old favourite joke:

Q: What's worse than raining cats and dogs?

A: Hailing taxis.
Tom Yates, UK

Two peanuts walking down the street.... One was a salted!!
Alex Radford, UK

A woman walked into a bar and ordered a double entendre, so the barman gave her one.
Paul, UK

Why does Edward Woodward have 4 D's in his name?

Because otherwise he'd be Ewar Woowar!
Richard Dickinson, UK

Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says: "OK, so how do we drive this thing?"
Conor McNicholas, UK

The Millennium Dome has to be the biggest joke of the century as far as I'm concerned.

How many hospital beds could it have bought? How many houses could it have built for the homeless?

And, of course, the real irony is that it won't be around much beyond 2025, let alone Y3k.
Iain Harrison, UK

A man walks into a bar.

"Ouch"
Laura Clark, UK

From Carry On Camping -

Charles Hawtrey - Hello! What are you doing?

Girl - I'm taking this cow down to see the bull

CH - Oh! Couldn't your father do it?

Girl - Oh no! It has to be the bull!
Harry, UK

A top london solicitor was driving along a busy road. Suddenly, a 38-tonne lorry came out of a side street and straight into his brand new BMW.

The police soon arrived to assess the situation and find the solicitor jumping up and down shouting "My car, my car!"

"Sir", shouted the policeman, "Don't worry about your car, it can be replaced. Look at your left arm, it's been torn off and mangled."

With that, the solicitor looked down and started shouting, "My Rolex, My Rolex!"
Simon Millard, UK

Best, or maybe, biggest joke of the century must be...

THE ENGLAND CRICKET TEAM !
Steve Bennett, UK




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07 Jul 99 | Entertainment
Wanted: The century's best jokes