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Last Updated: Monday, 29 December, 2003, 11:07 GMT
Monkhouse's memorable quips
Bob Monkhouse
The late Bob Monkhouse, who has died at the age of 75, had a huge catalogue of gags and one-liners that he could call upon for any situation.

Here is a sample of some of his one-liners:

"I got my start in silent radio."

"The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time."

"Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?"

"My wife's see-through nightie is now bi-focal."

"Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional."

"If you don't go to other peoples funerals, they won't go to yours."

"A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away."

"I swam in the dead sea when it was only critically ill."

"My father only hit me once - but he used a Volvo."

"They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They're not laughing now."

"What's a geriatric? A German footballer scoring three goals."

"I tend to sleep in the nude. Which isn't a bad thing except for maybe on those long flights."

"I remember when safe sex was a padded headboard."

"Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money."

"I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer."

"My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh."


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