2002: A strange odyssey

The new year promises to be another busy year in the arts and entertainment business. BBC News Online's Darryl Chamberlain peers into his crystal ball - the one bought down the market with the strange crack in it...

January

It'll be a good year for Ms Kidman

Nicole Kidman scoops both best actress prizes at the 2002 Golden Globes. It all goes well until Robbie Williams jumps out from inside the podium, singing an unsteady rendition of New York, New York.

Robbie is kicked out of the US as a security risk, provoking a major diplomatic incident. Kidman moves to London in solidarity with her old chum.

February

Johnny wasn't best pleased to lose Monkey

Consternation at ITV Digital as Johnny Vegas's monkey defects to Sky in a multi-million pound deal. "Mun-keh! Did you know we can now get the Discovery Channel on ITV Digital?" wails Vegas. "Shurrup Johnny, I'm watching the news on al-Jazeera TV!", snaps Monkey, resplendent in his "I love Andy Gray" t-shirt.

Harry Potter and The Philosopher's Stone is nominated for 16 Oscars, The Fellowship of The Ring has one - best lighting. Lord Of The Rings fans are outraged, and the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences' website is hacked.

March

Harry Potter wins no Oscars, but Nicole Kidman wins best actress for Moulin Rouge. Tom Cruise watches the ceremony on TV, and pops out to the grocery store for some beer during an ad break. No-one notices.

"Yeeeeah! I'm back!"

Madonna gets huffy as her "adopted British superstar" status is threatened by Kidman, and builders brick her front door in after she makes disparaging statements about their toilet habits.

April

ITV Digital goes bust, and the BBC steps in to take it over, in a deal which involves Greg Dyke handing over the rights for Roland Rat to Carlton and Granada.

Channel 4's new morning show - Breakfast Banana - starts, hosted by Kirsty Gallacher and Sky Digital's Monkey. It's an instant hit, and schoolchildren across the country are seen chomping bananas on the way into school. Safety chiefs warn the new craze could be dangerous.

Liz Hurley gives birth to a ginger-haired baby. Steve Bing issues a denial, so does Chris Evans - despite the fact he has not met Hurley in the past few years. Sir Elton John keeps silent.

Sir Elton keeps an enigmatic silence

May

Culture Secretary Tessa Jowell gives BBC Three the go-ahead, "as long as all tapes of LA Pool Party and EastEnders Revealed are put in a concrete vault and never shown again".

Stumped for new shows, BBC Three starts by running non-stop repeats of Liquid News, under the banner Christopher Price 24, interrupted only by minute-long news bulletins.

June

Atomic Kitten's World Cup song, Go On Goldenballs, is withdrawn from sale after David Beckham comes a cropper in the match against Argentina. The trio go into hiding after an unpleasant incident with Victoria backstage at Top of The Pops.

Glastonbury 2002 goes ahead, with a line-up of Rod Stewart, Des O'Connor, Blink 182 and S Club 7. Speaking from the Hewlett-Packard Worthy Farm, Michael Eavis insists he has not sold out. Ninety people are shot by guards patrolling the fences.

July

A Glasgow art gallery unveils its latest exhibit, Lost Dog - a confused-looking mongrel pacing around the room. However, the opening is spoiled somewhat when the mutt's owner turns up, slaps the gallery owner around the face and takes her delighted pet home.

H started off modelling watches

Former Steps singer H lands a new job - presenting Jewellery Time on QVC. Faye Tozer takes a part in West End musical Chicago, and The Other Bloke Out Of Steps makes a fortune out of his secret project - a computer game allowing you to design your own virtual pop group. "It could even be better than we were," grins Lee Latchford-Evans.

August

It is revealed Vinnie Jones' next film project will see him play a professional footballer at least once a week for 90 minutes, turning out for north-east England non-league side Bedlington Terriers. Jones, who played a footballer in Mean Machine, denies this docusoap project means he has failed as an actor.

Meanwhile, Madonna and Guy Ritchie leave London for New York after the film-maker's latest project, He's Hard, In'ee? is panned by critics. It stars Jason Statham as a criminal-turned-footballer, with real-life partner Kelly Brook playing his wife.

September

Better than This Morning

Following the failure of the new-look This Morning, and the horror of The Biggest Game In Town, and the continuing recession, ITV1 gives up on morning programmes, and schools programmes return to the network after 15 years' absence, with nostalgia freaks delighting in the big chunky clock and cheesy music between shows.

"Look, we're back in Liverpool!"

Meanwhile, Channel 4 cancels Richard and Judy's evening show. The couple return with a new format - a morning programme which is based in Liverpool. It's a huge hit. "I don't know why no-one thought of this before!" says delighted C4 boss Mark Thompson.

October

Following in the footsteps of Irish PM Bertie Ahern, who appeared on RTE's The Premiership in 2001, Tony Blair joins Des Lynam and Terry Venables on ITV1. But the Newcastle-loving Prime Minister fails to spot an Alan Shearer foul, and a political row erupts, overshadowing the state opening of parliament.

Kian Egan ponders his fate

Westlife manager Louis Walsh steps in to decommission part of the boy band to help rescue the Northern Ireland peace process, after an intervention from David Trimble, Gerry Adams and Bono. Kian Egan's last words before he is sealed in a Donegal cave with only a stool for company are: "Hey lads, sorry I slagged off your girlfriends - I didn't mean it really."

November

Bloody Tube is the favourite for 2002's Turner Prize. It consists of a train stuck on the Jubilee Line Extension, with its doors opening, then closing, opening, then closing, representing the futile struggle of Londoners each morning. A protester attacks it - but the celebrated art terrorist was actually hitting out against another fare rise.

The BBC is accused of "dumbing down" after Noel Gallagher presents a 12-part BBC Radio 3 series on classical music called Good Sounds, Our Kid. But audience figures rocket as orchestral sounds dominate the run-up to Christmas. Chris Moyles starts drooling over all-female act Bond on his BBC Radio 1 show, and a string quartet smash up Nottingham's Rock City venue.

December

Last laugh: Kelly Brook

There's civil unrest as fans of Harry Potter and The Lord of The Rings clash on the streets of the UK when Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets and The Two Towers are released. Three multiplexes, two high street cinemas and one pirate DVD stall are burned down. TV appeals from JK Rowling and a computer-generated JRR Tolkien eventually calm the masses.

Steps reunite for a "farewell" Christmas single - but Kirsty Gallacher and Monkey reach the festive summit with a version of Love Letters.

Kelly Brook and Jason Statham are both nominated for 2003 Golden Globes for He's Hard, In'ee?