Coping with a long distance love

Johnnie and Michele hardly together

Sergeant Johnnie Gaye is a soldier in the United States army, currently serving in Iraq. Originally from Liberia, last year he married his Burkinabe sweetheart, Michele Lompo. Africa Live followed their preparations leading up to the wedding.

Before their marriage, the couple had spent very little time together. But afterwards Johnnie had to return to the States, leaving Michele behind. The couple had no idea that they would still be apart a year later, as he explains from Balaal in Iraq.

Our wedding ceremony remains one of the best things that ever happened in my life. It was colourful, well attended and full of fun. After the wedding, Michele and I spent a week in Ouagadougou honeymooning in a villa that kept us away from the rest of the world.

When I go to church and see other couples sitting together or going home in pairs, it just drives me crazy.

Sgt. Johnnie Gaye

Wedding photos

We later proceeded to Accra, Ghana, where for one week; we visited various places and also my relatives at the Liberian refugee camp just outside Accra. It was like being in heaven to me.

Finally, the day of reckoning came. I was due to return to the United States, where I was serving as a non-commissioned officer in the U S Army. My belief was that Michele would follow in two months' time - to coincide with my return from a mission I was due to carry out with the army in South Korea.

Michele and her sister, Edmounde, accompanied me to the airport and when the final boarding call was made she wrapped her hands around my neck and wept. I wanted to cry myself but, since, as an African, this would have shown a sign of weakness, I decided to bear it and move on.

Immigration procedure

Johnnie, on duty in Iraq

Since I arrived back in the States, my life has never been the same. I think I am going through the most difficult period of my life. I think about my wife everyday and night.

I do my best to call her almost everyday on the phone just to hear her voice, thereby draining my finances. E-mails cannot satisfy that longing to see her and hear her voice. The US immigration procedure is a long and tedious one as it dragged on and on. Ironically, when the time finally arrived for Michele to come, I got deployment orders to go to Iraq.

I currently live in a four-bedroom house in the States. Can you imagine how it feels living in such a house alone when you are married? I think about my wife when I am doing anything - cooking, shopping and cleaning the house.

When I go to church and see other couples sitting together or going home in pairs, it just drives me crazy. When I leave Iraq, my first stop will be Burkina Faso just to be with my Michele.

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Africa Live will be discussing the impact of this phenomenon on family relations next Wednesday at 1630 & 1830GMT.

We want to hear your personal experiences and views. Are you sacrificing your love in your quest for success? How do you remain faithful and keep your love alive if you never see one another? Is this separation a price worth paying?

Send us an email and include your phone number - which will not be published - if you wish to take part.

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Your Comments:

I left Nigeria September 2002 for studies in the UK, leaving behind my wife (of less than two years marriage) and a six months old baby. Initially, I was very happy with the prospect of leaving the shores of Nigeria, but the seven months I have been away, is like eternity. I must give thanks to technology which now makes it possible for me to speak with my wife as frequently as two to four times a week, making me incur heavy phone bills at the end of each month. I just pray that she ever remains faithful until my programme here terminates. This is an adventure I shall never undertake at any time of my life again. The experience of living a life without your loved family is more of a punishment than blessing.
Abraham T Goodhead, Nigeria in UK

I am sure if you are looking for a better future you have to sacrifice in any way so you have to pay a price and enjoy later.
Mooya Hanaite, ZAMBIA

It is indeed a painful thorn to leave loved ones behind for the proverbial 'golden fleece' which sometimes may not even be. I wish there could be a way to take care of this thorny issue.
Chris Uzoechina, Nigeria/USA

Long distance love is not a necessary evil, rather it is a choice that is killing our families and societies.

Chukwuemeka, Nigeria

Long distance love is not a necessary evil, rather it is a choice that is killing our families and societies. Africa is the worst hit as our cherished family values have taken a flight because of better life. My humble advice is that come rain or shine, couples should stay together and get through the economic storm that has ravaged Africa for decades. For a man in Europe or America to live, work and send money to his family in Africa is unkind. We have over-killed the women folk already. Raising a child is a man's responsiblity and not that of a woman as is now the norm.
Chukwuemeka, Nigeria

The temporary separation needs very mature handling by both parties. The sad part of it is that the parties are seldom aware of or prepared to deal with the experiece and hence fall victim to the tough situation that should otherwise be expected and handled well. The separation is a sacrifice that can have a devastating effect on the family at large or can produce a wonderful change in the life of the whole family. It is really necessary sit down and think of the possible worst case scenarios in the period of separation and agree on how to handle them before the journey begins.
Oyuga Ojuok, Kenya

I came to the US two years ago. I had a girl friend back home. We loved each other very much unfortunately our relationship did not last. The first five months we had good commincation. I got busier when I started school. I think my girlfriend knew how difficult it was to bring her here and she started going out with other guys because she want to get married .
Dejene , Ethiopia

Although absence makes the heart fonder, new experiences, exposure to different cultural values and divergent outlook to life causes one to rethink what they want in a partner. I left my home country Kenya last year to work in Holland. My girlfriend and I tried so hard to keep the fire burning, to communicate as often as possible, its quite expensive to call, and though thanks to the wonders of e-mails and text messaging we could keep in touch almost daily; nothing can take the place of physical proximity and even hearing her voice on the phone. Our relationship suffered seriously and we are not sure if we can still salvage it. And then there is the uncertainty of how long I will be living here and if it is fair to ask her to disrupt her life, sacrifice all she has worked for to come over only to have to move again!
Josh Mayo, Netherlands

The most difficult part of a jail term is not so much the labour but the pain of seperation from one's family.

TNG, New Zealand

It is a painful thing. It is only when I came here that I got to understand that the most difficult part of a jail term is not so much the labour but the pain of seperation from one's family. I know now that it is not worth it.
TNG, New Zealand

I am one of those affected by this syndrome. I travelled to the US in early 2001 leaving my wife and son in Ghana as refugees. Up until now she has not joined me. This is a serious problem.
Charles Osman Fofana, US

I think temptation is very high when one leaves one's loved one at home to go abroad in search of greener pastures. But the fact still remains that if one really loves one's wife, one will never yield to any temptation unless there are other bewitching-related motives.
Talla Sanda Ouafeu Yves, Cameroon

Your topic for discussion puts me in the epicentre of this issue. I left Sierra Leone about two years ago and my fiancee is still out there. So far I have remained (to a very large extent) faithful to her by not establishing another relationship. Also, I just cannot accurately predict the nature of any relationship if I were to start one - would I still be in control or will things get out of hand? That is probably part of the reason I have held back. Certainly it is a difficult life to live especially when my girl back home is staying a clean (by my estimation and information). As to how long we can stay apart and still remain faithful to one another, I definitely have no idea. Our understanding was that difficult as it is, it may be worth it if it meant a better life together in years to come. So it is a shot we are prepared to take albeit with unknown consequences.
Dausue, USA, Sierra Leonean

"You are dead without money", this was the opinion expressed by a famous Western writer, James Hardley Chase. Come to think about it, it is hard to find true love without money. So there is no love in an empty stomach. Love can wait and money first.
Emeka, Sacramento

I can not speak on leaving Africa to work abroad as I was born and raised in the US. My take on this subject is as an American finding love in Africa (Senegal), but waiting to be united with my love. I have made two trips to Senegal, and I plan to marry my fiancee when I take my next trip over. I plan to do that at the end of the year. It is hard being so far away from her, but everyday that I am at work I am looking forward to meeting her again. I know that there are certain criteria that must be met before I bring her here such as a stable income, decent residence, etc. My close friend is from Senegal and his wife lives there while he works here in the US. I know his situation well and I do not desire to be so far away from my love once we are married.
Abdul-Qaadir, USA

We do not have a choice, we are obliged to leave behind our loves ones because we do not have money to bring our family members over. If you love each other, you have to remain faithful and you will keep your love alive.
Godfrey K.

I commend the BBC for once telling a happy story from Africa. The issue of coping with a long distance love could be made a lot easier if couples understand that distance is not a barrier to love. Africans have always been very caring and passionate lovers. This is manifested in the extended family setting. Distance will always strengthen an African marriage; unlike here in the West where individualism reigns and divorce is nearer than any distance created in a relationship.
Tochukwu Onyeriri, Chicago/Nigeria

I was very touched when I read Johnny's story, because I am a Liberian too. This is the typical storyline these days. Get married and take off to war. My brother, Johnny, keep the faith; for God knows what is best for you.
Saye Ben Tukpei, US

Have you noticed when people are around we do not pay attention. But when they are far away we like to hear from them.

Sam Rupani

Love grows in seperation. Have you noticed when people are around we do not pay attention. But when they are far away we like to hear from them. Communication done from a distance has a far more impact than that done from close distance.
Sam Rupani, US

I was married in Accra, Ghana in September, 2002. I am from the US and my wife Fatu is Liberian. She will be 27 on June 10th; a sad anniversary as she has been a refugee in Ghana since she was 19 years old. I met Fatu as an internet penpal around 2001. Fatu has as an amazing amount of grace and dignity, despite the incredible hardship she has endured in her life... eventually I decided to just fly to Ghana and marry this wonderful person... that was nearly 10 months ago, and the few short days we were allowed to spend together have replayed in my head so many times, they almost seem like a dream. In these past months, she has suffered from malaria twice, and was at one point attacked and robbed by soldiers. There is no way to describe the anger and frustration I felt. But my dear wife, ever faithful, and with unflagging hope and courage, merely tells me "not to think negative things" and reminds me that I must count our blessings.
Russ Johnson, USA

Long distance relationship, although not the best, can work if the two people involved put their shoulder to the wheel by keeping the channels of communication opened, nothing to hide and being totally faithful to each other. I have practiced these and they are working very much for me.
Richard, Ghana

Having your partner or spouse separated by thousands of miles can be painful, especially for newly weds. However, with discipline and commitment, the hurdle can be scaled. Temptations will abound, no doubt, but if the couple are sincere to themselves, I do not see any reason why they cannot hold their own.
Julian Uttams, Nigeria

Love is like the brain the more we use the stronger it gets. A couple must be together to nourish the feeling.
Angola

In tears we both kissed goodbye and touched hands for what might have been the last time.

Melvin, Liberia

Since may 29, 1999, I left the woman I had promised to marry before my departure. Unfortunately, I had to leave for the US. In tears we both kissed goodbye and touched hands for what might have been the last time. During my almost six months stay in Ghana, we communicated through letters once every month. Receiving letters from her was like having her right by my side the first day I opened "them." Now that I am in the US, we set aside Fridays for telephone conversations; normally when she is about to sleep and I have just had my dinner. On average we talk for about two hours a day. I have heard from friends that the day after our phone conversation, she is always in a good mood. The truth is 'I really love this African queen'. Who is she? Viola Yamah Kollie.
Melvin Emmett Barclay, Liberia

It is simply an arduous experience for us Africans abroad to be away from our loved ones. What is even more difficult is how some very ambitious Africans abroad find their dreams shattered by make-shift "white" lovers who push them into having babies; this, usually turns out to be a morally and financially draining experience that leaves much to regret.
Ntsanderh Azenui, Cameroon

I am one of the many Africans who have been separated from their families. I left my home, Liberia, due to war and went to Ivory Coast in the late 1980's. In 1994 I left for the US leaving behind my two daughters and their mum. It has been very difficult than I had ever thought. I wish they were here with me or the other way around. But the whole region is in turmoil. It worries me a lot.
Philip Garley, USA