Tumour diary: Fun and fury

By Ivan Noble
BBC News Online science writer

BBC News Online science and technology writer Ivan Noble was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumour in August 2002.

Since his diagnosis, he has been sharing his experiences in an online diary.

I am writing at dawn, watching the light grow over water and snow-capped hills in a beautiful and remote part of the western highlands of Scotland.

I am looking forward to another day here entertaining our two-year-old, who is utterly unfazed by the sudden move from London's stress and bustle to a place where we are observed by stags and highland cattle.

As things become more uncertain and life becomes more and more intense, my perception of things is changing.

And of course, if I am honest, what is really going on is that she is entertaining us.

Accompanied by a friend a few months older, the stream of hilarity and the sheer level of energy is impressive.

Fortunately there are plenty of us here to soak it up.

And being here has begun to soak up the stress and tension of what I have to deal with in a way that must be as good for me as all the other treatment.

The people involved in organising this trip, transporting me here, hosting my stay and keeping me company know who they are and I am taking this liberty to add a public thank you to the private ones.

Black and white

What I have begun to notice is that as things become more uncertain and life becomes more and more intense, my perception of things is changing.

I feel as if I have lost the middle range of my opinion of things.

I think everything is either fantastic or terrible. There is rarely an in between.

The trip here is genuinely magical.

But something like a trip to see an undemanding and slushy film will have me delighted and trying to discuss the quality of the film with my wife before I realise that she and probably everyone else in the cinema have a less rapturous view of Jennifer Aniston's efforts.

I saw some colleagues from work before I left for Scotland and again, enjoyed myself hugely.

But it struck me after I left how odd it must be for them to have this steroid-fuelled monster turn up talking 19 to the dozen, crashing in to their working lives to tell them probably more than they needed to know about the madnesses of my world.

I had great fun, though, and am sorry only for the people I wanted to see and missed.

Do not call me

With the enthusiasms come the rages.

The doorbell rings and it is someone trying to sell something, but refusing to acknowledge the fact, posing instead as a new neighbour who coincidentally has a new business starting up.

At the time I am with a nurse working to collect data from me for a huge study to investigate the possible causes of my tumour.

Never a patient person, I have to slam the door on the intruder before the F word escapes my lips.

I have no time for such nonsense.

But my special rage is saved for my bank.

Until a while ago, they used to ring me up to try to sell me things which a simple check of my account would have told them were entirely inappropriate.

They did it in a really irritating way, cold calling and refusing to discuss anything, saying only which bank they were and asking for security details before they would go further.

Quite apart from the fact that it should have been them identifying themselves, not the customer, it gives the impression that the call is important.

If you are daft enough to go along with it, as I have been too many times, it is on to the real timewasting.

After several attempts I was designated something I think they call "telephone contact unresponsive" and they finally stopped the nonsense.

Until now.

They are back and I am afraid that I flew into an incandescent rage this time.

I slammed the phone down at the end and then spent ages kicking myself for not saying something more intelligent.

Then I went on to compose mental letters to the complaints department until I calmed down far enough to think "What a waste of time."

Quite.

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Your comments

Dear Ivan, I am so glad you are away with your family and friends - It is always good to get away. I realise you were furious with the salespeople and the bank but I have to tell you that you put a big smile on my face. I always use my friend's mother's line: "I am the maid and get paid by the hour - sorry I can't stop!" That always throws them! Take care and best wishes.
Suzie, UK

Oh! I wouldn't be so hard on yourself, Ivan. I spent most if yesterday raging at my television because for unknown reasons it was unable to show me the India vs Pakistan cricket highlights I had wanted to watch. Eventually, my flatmate called me 'childish' which caused another rage - and plenty of embarrassment when I had to apologise later! More importantly, it's a grey old day here in London and I am very jealous of you in Scotland. Is there anywhere more beautiful in the world? Enjoy! All the best
George, UK

Go for it! Let rip verbally, write your letters of rage at these telephonic intruders; it can be most cathartic. Or keep a referees whistle by the phone.
Anon, UK

To find your true life human story amid all this technology is a gift on this Monday morning Anni Meehan, England

Hello Ivan.... what a star you are. This is the first time I've read anything by you. I don't have anything to say right now other than how special you are and how privileged I am to have accidentally found you. I was looking out for 'new' technology news for a community technology site here in Suffolk which the company I work for manages and edits. To find your true life human story amid all this technology is a gift on this Monday morning. Puts my life in perspective. I hope you are feeling well today and that Scotland is breathing new life into you. Enjoy your stay Mr Ivan. Thanks for sharing You. All the very best.
Anni Meehan, England

Dear Ivan, So glad to hear that the Highlands and your energetic daughter are keeping you enraptured. Keep raging, particularly at banks, and at all those on the dull side of life. And why shouldn't you talk 19 to the dozen? Sometimes those who are high on life's beauty have got it right. All my best wishes
James Thompson, UK

Just remember all the special people that are there with you that make you smile. Glad you are having a relaxing time. Keep your chin up.
Amanda , UK

Just a little note to say hello and give my support. I have recently been attending hospitals with my father who has lymphoma. Having met with other patients has given me a lot of insight in other people's problems. Reading your diary has been an inspiration.
Patricia Doyle, Switzerland

Dear Ivan, Scotland sounds wonderful and the antics of your daughter and her friend a delight. Hope you all have a great time up there. Have been following your diary for some weeks now and never fail to find it inspiring. You really are a proper battler! Good on you and very best wishes.
Sheila, UK