How families cope with suicide

By Megan Lane
BBC News Online Magazine

At the heart of the Hutton Inquiry is a very personal tragedy - the sudden death of a beloved father and husband; a bereavement the Kelly family have had to cope with in full public view.

The death of a loved one is never easy to come to terms with. But when that death is by their own hand, a maelstrom of emotions is unleashed. As well as grief and shock, the bereaved may feel angry, rejected, ashamed, in denial - and even guilty.

Some blame themselves for not spotting the warning signs, or for not being able to prevent the death. Others blame someone else for driving their loved one to it - perhaps a medical professional perceived to have failed in their duty of care, a school bully, an estranged partner. Or they may feel that others are pointing the finger at them.

And unlike a fatal heart attack or car accident, a suicide leaves the nagging question "Why?". It is a question that may never be answered.

Eve Sweeney, a counsellor who has herself been twice bereaved by suicide, says that the question "why" can become an obsession that can prolong the grieving process.

I am satisfied that no-one realised or should have realised that those pressures and strains might drive [Dr Kelly] to take his own life Lord Hutton Summary of conclusions

"Why is the worst to come to terms with - why did this person close to you, who loved you, do this? It is usually not clear from the suicide note - if indeed there is a note at all, as only one in six people who kill themselves leave a note," says Mrs Sweeney, who works for Cruse, the bereavement counselling group.

"It can become the focus of your life; it can be overwhelming, this urge to know why. When you can accept that you may never know, that's an important step."

Nor does it help to shield children - and others - from the painful truth, as tempting as this may be. Even a five-year-old can understand what they need to about such a death, and can come back with more questions when they are older.

Guilt and denial

"Just don't lie to a child," says Mrs Sweeney. "I've met people in their 30s who have only recently found out the truth about a parent's death. They're absolutely devastated. Not only are they grieving all over again, they are upset that a loved one lied to them."

Feelings can resurface years later

In her case, it was only when she went for counselling - four years after her daughter's death - that she realised just how damaging denial could be.

"One of the first questions I was asked was 'what do you tell people who ask if you have any children?' If I said I had two, I felt guilty because I was denying what had happened to Vicky. Other times I'd say I had one, and would feel guilty because I was denying she had ever existed.

"The counsellor pointed out that how others reacted was their problem, not mine. It was such a relief. When I tell people now, I can see the shock on people's faces because it's not a response they expect. But I defuse it by telling them it's OK. It can be a bit of a downer at parties."

POSSIBLE WARNING SIGNS Talking about wanting to die Sudden change in behaviour or personality Giving away possessions Change in eating or sleeping patterns Problems in school/work/police Drug or alcohol abuse But these can be exhibited by any teenager, and may only be seen with hindsight Source: Eve Sweeney Why is Dr Kelly's death an 'apparent suicide'?

Groups who work with the bereaved say that it is important not to bottle up emotions.

Because suicide is still something of a taboo subject, many feel alone with their grief, says John Peters, of Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide, whose volunteers run support groups in many parts of the country.

"There are at least 5,000 suicides each year. If you consider that six or more people are closely involved with each of those people, that's about a million people in Britain in a state of bereavement because of suicide.

"It can really help to get together with others who have been through this. Our groups can have people very recently bereaved alongside those for whom it was 40 years ago. For those in the grip of grief, it can be very reassuring to see that others have got through it."

'On trial'

While it is rare for the media spotlight to turn on private grief as it has for the Kelly family, all suicides are put under public scrutiny at the inquest.

The Kellys have asked to be left in private to grieve

"You can feel that you are on trial. Often family members are summond to attend. The death, and your relationship with the deceased, are raked over. It can feel like airing your dirty washing in public. You can feel very exposed, especially as the press - at the very least, the local media - print the details, the address and the full name," Mrs Sweeney says.

"The inquest is not there to apportion blame, and families may find this difficult to accept if they think someone will be 'brought to justice'."

This is where the Hutton Inquiry differs from most inquests. The law lord has concluded it was the likely loss of his integrity that caused Dr Kelly deep worry in his final hours. However, the Oxfordshire coroner, Nicholas Gardiner, has said he is also considering holding a full inquest.

But as with every suicide, there are no straightforward answers as to why the respected weapons expert took his own life.