Tumour diary: Time for surgery

By Ivan Noble
BBC News Online science writer

BBC News Online science and technology writer Ivan Noble was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumour in August 2002.

Since then he has been sharing his experiences in an online diary.

I hoped so much that I would have no cause to write this diary again, if not for ever then certainly for a long time after I signed off in August a year after my first encounter with the world of cancer treatment.

But that is not the way things turned out.

In August I had been in remission for many months, was fit and well, back at work since January and only occasionally scared about the future.

Now I have a serious problem and I need an operation to fix it.

Symptoms and scans

I have been feeling strange for three weeks or so. I have been slightly light-headed, had more trouble than normal seeing my computer screen and had trouble concentrating.

I am optimistic about what the operation might achieve.

Pretty minor stuff, I thought, and after a few days off work I was beginning to feel better.

But my cancer specialist told me to come in for another brain scan anyway and I was stunned by what he said.

A watery mess has grown around my tumour and it looks as if a small part of the tumour at least is active and growing once again.

Without an operation the pressure inside my head will just get worse and cause more damage to my brain than I already have from last year.

The good news

But I am optimistic about what the operation might achieve.

If it goes well then I might be back in remission soon, perhaps with the tumour virtually eradicated and firmly under control for a long time to come.

On Tuesday I met the surgeon who will do the operation and he said many confidence-inspiring and encouraging things.

The tumour is easily accessible at the back of my head, he said, and not close to any vital structures.

I had been labouring under the illusion that my entire brain was a vital structure.

The watery mess around the tumour ought to make it easier to separate from my healthy brain cells.

And once all the removal work is done he will pack the space left in my brain with a substance which will release powerful chemotherapy drugs straight onto any remaining bits of tumour.

It is a pretty new technique and I am lucky to get access to it.

A week away

The operation is on 17 November and if all goes well I will be out of hospital in time for our first wedding anniversary a week later.

I will have a sizeable scar to show off, together with titanium clips holding the back of my head together.

It will not be pretty but I really hope and believe that it will be good for me.

I have got plenty of living to do yet.

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Your e-mails to Ivan:

Just wanted you to know that I am one of many people who is on your side and thinking of you as you wait for your operation. I read your diary some months ago and was touched by it. You clearly have so many talents (not to mention being pretty handsome!) and I think you have the strength and determination to beat this rotten thing! I am sitting in an office in West London thinking of you in the hospital and hoping that your courage is rewarded with the best of outcomes. Wishing you and your family all the best. Good Luck Ivan.
Sarah King, UK

Thank you for sharing your life with us Tony Fisher, A New Zealander living in the UK

Kia Ora(Greetings and good health), Ivan. Thank you for sharing your life with us. Whatever happens to any of us, you have recorded your life as it is now. I have just finished writing up about my great uncles who were at Gallipoli. They also wrote and left their mark on us. Your humanity shines through. Kia Kaha(Be strong), Arohanui (Lots of love)
Tony Fisher, A New Zealander living in the UK for a couple of years.

I often find myself thinking of you, not at any particular time, just when a few moments in my crazy life allows me to take stock of everything. I find it somewhat puzzling that I experience such a array of emotions for a man and his family whom I have never or am likely to meet.
I happened upon your diary quite by chance many months ago - I say by chance but I'm a believer in fate and can now see that to be able to hear you and in some small way share your experiences has helped me in ways that you will never know - and for that I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are a very special man whose willingness to share this time in your life will have guided, reassured and changed so many. My fondest thoughts will be with you all this coming week.
Jillian Burbridge, UK

All the luck in the world. You are, indeed, back in hospital sooner than any of us would have wished. At risk of overusing a word, you are clearly a very "special" person, any your family and friends are lucky to know you. Your indomitable spirit and good cheer are both shaming and uplifting. All fingers crossed and look forward to the next one when all will be better. Love Camilla
Camilla, England

Your diary has been inspirational and you have many, many thousands of people praying for you. Stay confident, stay focussed and stay determined to see your little girl grow up. All the best
Ian Ellison, UK

Just wanted to wish you all the very best for your forthcoming op. I recently had a major op and cannot praise the NHS highly enough - they get such a slagging when the care and attention I had was marvellous. I made a very rapid recovery - far quicker than it should have been at the age of 50, mainly due to my positive attitude I was told. So keep positive, you have a family like me, for whom it is so important that you recover well. All the very best.
Trina Armstrong, Scotland

I was so deeply moved by your courage at this difficult time MH, UK

Dearest Ivan, today is the first time I have noticed your diary, and I have to say I was so deeply moved by your courage at this difficult time, and especially moved by the paragraph where you mention the 10 minute film you have made for your growing daughter. I am a single mum with a beautiful 12 year old son, so I have empathy with what you must be feeling. Your daughter is truly blessed to have a father like you; my son's father wants nothing to do with him and that breaks my heart. Men like you mend it for me. God bless you - my prayers will be with this Monday. Just think what a Christmas this will be for you all.
MH, UK

Dear Ivan, I will be thinking about you and wishing you well on Monday. May God bless you and keep you well.
Susan O'Neill, England

I won't even pretend to know what you are going through. Bravery I think is something that probably comes with the situation you are in. Reading what you have written, it would appear that you have it in spades, not everyone would want to put their personal experiences out to public view and I am sure you are not always feeling at your best when you write them. Good luck in everything you are experiencing and all the treatment you have got coming up. I hope to read good news soon.
Fiona Addie, UK

Ivan, I will be thinking about you on the 17th and I know all will go well and you will be able to enjoy a great anniversary celebration after that! Your positive attitude is the key and I look forward to catching up with you on these pages.
Irra, USA

You are in my thoughts and prayers. Keep up your positive attitude and I will be thinking of you on the 17th. You are an inspiration to all people that are going through a hard time. Thank you for letting us in on your journey through all of this.
Kathryn , UK

You are an inspiration to so many people. You give many people hope and in return they offer you support. There is no measure of how much this is important to me and others. Stay with those positive thoughts - I am sure all will be well.
Rod Ellis, UK

Good Luck Ivan! With your optimism, I am positive the operation will be a success and that you will have many more years ahead of you to spend with your loved ones. My thoughts are with you at this difficult time and I look forward to reading good news in your diary after the 17th.
Tanith,United Kingdom

I was indeed touched to read about the trials that you and your young family are going through. I admire your spirit and the way in which you seem to be taking things. Hang in there. Remember through every hardship comes ease. Hope everything works out for you. Our prayers are with you and your family. God Bless - Mohamed & Rehana Aziz
M Aziz ,USA

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and words with us Don McEwen, Canada

Ivan just read your page for the first time. I'm so impressed with your courage and outlook on life, it is a gift and thanks for sharing your thoughts and words with us it will surely be a great help to others who meet life's not so pleasant happenings. I and all our family will be pulling for you and your family on the 17th for very positive results thanks again and good luck
Don McEwen,Canada

Ivan, your courage is an example to many others. I would be extremely anxious in your situation, but the positive attitude shown by the doctor should certainly help your, as well as our, spirits. So many well wishers are with you in this fight. Wish you all the best.
Yaj Bhattacharya, India

I have been through a similar experience with my mother, who has been bravely fighting with cancer since 1995. I have no doubt all will be well, Ivan, not only because nowadays cancer can actually be cured, but also because personal attitude definitely has an influence. I know my mother knows I need her, and she has decided to live much longer. You sound very very much the same, I have absolutely no doubt this time the tumour will leave for a long long time. All the best from my heart, shall pray for you on November 17th. Love. Monica.
Monica Marri,Argentina

Thank you for everything that you have shared with us. It takes a special sort of courage to go through all that you have and an even greater sense of courage to face it again. However, if you imagine that each time you have sat down and written your story and a person unknown to you reads it - the energy around you exponentially shifts as that person automatically wishes you well, even if they don't express it in writing. So on behalf of all those unknown souls that you have touched - we wish you well, we bless you and your family and know and understand that you have the courage to get through anything.
Aeone,USA

You've inspired and helped so many people with your diary Michelle Parlett,UK

At least there may be some real, positive good come out of this setback. Stay positive Ivan, you've inspired and helped so many people with your diary. I've passed it along to friends in America and elsewhere who have never accessed the BBC news site and I know they in turn have been passing it on. You and yours are in my thoughts and prayers. Love and light.
Michelle Parlett,UK

My thoughts are with you Ivan, as they have been for over a year - since I first started reading your diary. I am sure that your remarkable strength and fighting spirit will help you through even this set-back.
Madeleine, Sweden

Best of luck with the op next week. You will have so many people thinking of you and wishing you well. When I read your diary last time you always came across so positive and that outlook still shines through.
Pat, United Kingdom

Ivan, my thoughts are with you and your family at this time. My cousin had a brain tumour about 5 years ago and has completely recovered. I'm sure that beating this has a lot to do with attitude, and yours is great. Thank you for sharing your story.
Rachel, USA

Once again, my thoughts are with you, I admire your positive attitude and optimism and know that you will overcome this setback as you have overcome all the others, you are indeed a fighter, thanks for sharing your thoughts will all of us and there are so many people on your side you'll be brilliant after the 17th!
Hilde Nixon,Great Britain

Was so sorry to hear your latest news - but hang in there. I've been following your story from the start (is it really a year since you got married?!) and just know that you'll come through this with the same fighting spirit. I'll be thinking of you on the 17th - remember that titanium is very fashionable these days! Lots of love to you and the family.
Tabitha,UK

I've been reading your diary from the start and have followed your ups and downs with great empathy. My father also suffered recently from a brain tumour. You are young, confident and brave and I have no doubt that you will win this latest battle in your war. The signs look good. The very best of luck to you, and to your wife, child and family.
James, England

You are a beacon of light to many people out there. My mother suffered from brain cancer and underwent surgery in SA some 17 years ago - I am sure that the operation will be good - my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Tony Valsamakis, UK

Don't stop writing even when you are totally recovered Karim Moukaddem,Spain

Don't stop writing even when you are totally recovered. We have suffered with you reading about your cancer and now that everything will turn out well after the operation (inshalla) we would love to share the happier times with you. The way you opened up yourself to all of us has shown us that deep within us there is a tremendous force at our disposal, if only we could see it. You have. See you soon on those pages.
Karim Moukaddem,Spain

Good luck Ivan - Following breast cancer, I am having an op to reconstruct on Tuesday 18th - I've followed your journey throughout and know exactly what you're going through. I'm sending cyber hugs and prayers to you and your family - think of it this way, we'll both be chucking up from anaesthetic together!
Di ,England

I first started reading your diary about a year ago. I am very sorry to hear you have to undergo another operation, but I hope all will be well. I can't tell you how much I admire you for your courage and optimism. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us, I hope the diary helps in some way. Good luck!
Seraphima Kennedy, UK

We are all rooting for you Judith Swallow, UK

Hang in there. We are all rooting for you. I have followed your diary from the beginning and have always been impressed by your attitude and fighting sprit. I am quite sure that it will allow you to come through this next round alive, well and looking forward to the future.
Judith Swallow, UK

I only read your diary after you went into remission- your story made me laugh and cry and look forward to the future, whatever it may bring. I know that your positive outlook and enthusiasm for life will bring you through this, to allow you to see your little girl grow up. Good Luck for the op- my thoughts are with you.
Michelle, England

Good luck Ivan, I hope all goes well for you and my thoughts will be with you on the 17th.
Hilary, UK

Ivan, I will be thinking and praying for you on the 17th of November. I am really glad to hear that the outlook is very positive and am pretty confident that your wedding anniversary celebration will be a great event for you, your wife, friends and family. I have had a tumour too, in the bone in my foot. Best of luck for you and you can be sure that there's going to be strong positive vibes being sent to you all the way from São Paulo on the 17th of November!
Simone,Brazil

What you are going through puts events that I am experiencing in perspective CC, UK

Good luck Ivan. What you are going through puts events that I am experiencing in perspective! I really admire your bravery and optimistic attitude. All my thoughts will be with you and your family.
CC,UK

I am sorry to hear about your set-back, but it sounds very encouraging what the surgeon told you - you know you are in the best hands possible. -You're a fighter and as you say yourself "you have plenty of living to do yet". Happy Anniversary for the week after next.
Charlotte, United Kingdom

Hang on in there Ivan! Good luck with the op and keep thinking positive thoughts. I'll remember you on the 17th and if you don't mind, I'll say a prayer for you and yours.
Maggie, The Netherlands

Send your comments to Ivan.