A little speech therapy

What makes a good speech?

A party conference speech can make or break a political career - but what are the guaranteed ways to wow the party faithful?

With a little help from Alistair Beaton, playwright and one time joke-writer for Gordon Brown, BBC News Online's Brian Wheeler looks at a few tricks of the trade.

The first and most obvious point is to forget all about the audience in the conference hall.

"The key is not really what the delegates think, it is how the speech will play to the cameras," Mr Beaton argues.

This means tailoring your style to the demands of the small screen.

Think fireside chat, rather than ranting demagogue.

And try not to wave your arms about so much.

Comic timing

The next point to consider is humour.

Over the years, some of the finest comic brains in the country have been enlisted to craft one-liners for our leaders to mangle.

Let your speech writers know if you don't have a sense of humour Alistair Beaton

For few, if any, Mr Beaton argues, are natural comedians.

"There are very few of them that are any good at it.

"Michael Heseltine could tell a good gag.

"He could get the timing right, but the good comic performers are few and far between."

If any speakers feel tempted towards humour, Mr Beaton has this advice: "Let your speech writers know if you don't have a sense of humour.

"If you don't have one don't try to pretend you do.

"Equally, if you don't have a personality, don't try to pretend you have one."

'When I came into politics...'

If you can't do humour, try sincerity.

Alistair Beaton's play Feelgood took a satirical swipe at New Labour

A popular favourite here is the 'personal manifesto'.

Slipping into the first person, to deliver a heartfelt personal message to the audience.

Tony Blair has made a speciality of this.

In a characteristic 1995 performance, he told conference: "I didn't come into politics to change the Labour Party. I came into politics to change my country."

It's also a favourite weapon in the Tory arsenal.

"I like many in our party came into politics because I believe in my country, because I believe in a society where it is worth doing the right thing.", Michael Ancram told delegates in 2000.

At the same year's Labour conference John Prescott revealed more modest ambitions, telling delegates: "One of the main reasons I came into politics was to make shipping safer."

Claptrap

As the speech wears on, it is important to keep interest levels up with regular bursts of applause.

Some politicians will fall back on old rhetorical tricks such as the "rule of three" to guarantee a ripple of appreciation.

Around the world three letters send a chill down the spine of the enemy - SAS Michael Portillo

Listing three points in ascending order of importance, is the rhetorical equivalent of saying "ready, steady, go..." to an expectant audience.

Even for the most uncharismatic speaker it is a guaranteed "claptrap", as they are known in the trade.

Conjuring up familiar bogeymen - the unions, Europe, privatisation - or even less familiar bogeyman such as Tony Blair's mysterious "wreckers" - are also crowd pleasers.

As is laying into your political opponents, with special scorn reserved for the Liberal Democrats.

One-legged Tarzan

But if its a really big response you are after, the nuclear option is the conference "turn".

Who could forget Michael Heseltine leaping around on one leg, to illustrate a Labour party that could only go "left, left, left"?

Or Peter Lilley's "little list" of New Labour follies, set to the tune of Land of Hope and Glory.

Even William Hague's 1977 turn as the Tories' teenage boy wonder seemed specifically designed to charm the blue-rinse brigade.

Messianic form

It is always important, however, to save your best for last.

The final section is where all of the disparate elements must come together to form a unified vision of a Better Britain.

It is the part that will invariably be "clipped" for the evening television news.

Tony Blair was on typically messianic form in 1995, when he envisioned "a nation for all the people, built by all the people. Old divisions cast out. A new spirit in the nation. Working together. Unity. Solidarity. Partnership. One Britain."

'Three letters...'

But for sheer jaw-dropping quotability, Alistair Beaton picks Michael Portillo's infamous SAS speech at Blackpool from the same year.

"Around the world three letters send a chill down the spine of the enemy - SAS," Mr Portillo, then defence secretary, informed a hushed auditorium. "And those letters spell out one clear message: don't mess with Britain.

"The SAS has a famous motto: Who Dares Wins. We will dare, we will win."

Mr Beaton remembers a chill running through the spine of the press gallery, while Mr Portillo's colleagues squirmed uncomfortably in their seats.

"It was genuinely sinister," Alistair recalls.

But it received a hell of an ovation.