The bizarre world of sky shopping

By Julian Pettifer

Rummaging in a drawer, I just came across a handsome document, engraved with my name, certifying that I had flown at supersonic speed across the Atlantic.

That was shortly after Concorde came into service, at a time when flying retained a residual glamour and sense of adventure.

Air travel was once the height of glamour

How things have changed. Fortunately, I have never been afraid of flying but these days I find it profoundly boring and irritating.

This is not the fault of the airlines. Ever since 11 September, the demands of security mean that we must endure longer check-in times and queues, more searches and questions and a steady build-up of stress.

Now, with Sars adding to the anxiety, with fellow passengers masked and fearful of each other, flying has become even more surreal.

Aircraft are either half empty because passengers have cancelled their journeys, or crammed full because the airlines have cancelled flights.

In the months before and during the recent hostilities, the aviation world became especially edgy. It was just before the invasion of Iraq that I found myself on a long flight without a book.

I'd mislaid it in the departure lounge. Having exhausted the in-flight magazine and given up on the movies, I found myself thumbing through something called, I think, Sky Shopping.

Catalogue of lunacy

This was not just a price list of the usual duty-free offers but a 163-page catalogue and as I went through it, I became ever more incredulous.

"The seven-foot illuminated acrylic palm tree sir? An excellent choice"

For a time, I even thought it might be a spoof, so weird were the goods on offer.

I concluded that it was a cynical attempt to exploit travellers while their judgement was impaired by stress, by fear or by alcohol; or perhaps by all three.

How else could you explain the selection of merchandise? Who in his right mind would order the Messaging Cap?

This garment has a liquid crystal display in the front panel. Up to 10 messages can be programmed to scroll by such as "Go team, score again" or "To be or not to be, that is the question".

If that ultimate in headgear lacks appeal, what about the Insect Vacuum "that lets you capture and dispose of insects at a comfortable distance without ever having to touch them"?

That's for the fastidious, but if you're a sophisticate who demands the ultra-dry Martini, what you must have is this little pocket-sized device that delivers just a hint, the faintest mist of Vermouth, through an ultra-fine spray nozzle.

A snip at £19.95. And if that's your kind of thing, how about a wide-slot toaster, perfect for bagels; or a fog-free shower mirror?

Animal presents

Gifts for pets got me really excited.

My cat shall have a stay-fresh, automated drinking fountain to ensure that her water is always filtered and oxygenated.

And as for the dog, there's the Canine Cooler thermo-regulating pet bed to keep her comfortable on hot summer days.

There are pages and pages of health and beauty ads... including 'a 10-pronged, copper wire head massager that will send waves of pleasure through your body'

If I have to leave her, she shall have a soft toy with a recordable chip on which I shall leave consoling messages that will be activated whenever she plays with the toy.

No more lonely pooches at my place!

There are pages and pages of health and beauty ads: work-out systems, food supplements, tooth whiteners and all kinds of massagers including "a 10-pronged, copper wire head massager that will send waves of pleasure through your body".

There are unwanted hair removers, tongue cleaners and skin peelers; systems to stop snoring and enhance sleep, and of course, to lose weight.

Are you trying to slim? What you need is the scale that not only weighs you, it uses bio-electrical impedance to measure your body fat.

One advertiser was most concerned that I might have forgotten to buy a souvenir of my vacation in the tropics.

"How about a seven-and-a-half foot palm tree?" How indeed!

"Its sturdy acrylic trunk supports 30 silk palm fronds and creates a tranquillising mood as colourful bubbles float effortlessly to the top. Complete with internal lighting, four colour filters and air pump." Only £350.

Long flights are certainly boring and stressful but they can't drive you that crazy - can they?