Tumour diary: Looking ahead

BBC News Online science and technology writer Ivan Noble was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumour in August last year.

Since then he has been sharing his experiences in a weekly online diary.

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Sitting in a quayside bar enjoying the view of Hong Kong Island in the distance and watching the ferries come and go, I had to remind myself who and what I was.

I never manage a whole day without thinking about my condition, but I was close to it during the time I was away.

I find myself seduced into thinking far into the future

The long weekend with my brother and his new family in Hong Kong was great fun and I was really pleased to see my little nephew at last.

But the trip made me even more aware of how jarring it can be to slip in and out of normality.

I find myself seduced into thinking far into the future, about where my daughter might go to school, about whether we should live in Germany or England, and then, all of a sudden, I remember how serious my condition is and how little I can count on in the future.

It is as if I can put on my old life like a comfortable old coat, relax into it, but then suddenly have someone come to take it away again.

Shattering experience

It is now almost six months since my confidence in the future was shattered by my diagnosis.

I am getting much better at dealing with the emotional consequences, but it is still hard work.

There is no rule book for my situation

Having little to deal with on the physical side right now makes the job easier, but I am having trouble knowing how far forward I should allow myself to look.

Living life a month at a time is manageable.

But real life is not like that. My wife and I both travel with our jobs and we have trips we need to plan in March and June.

Is it OK to plan a work trip in June?

I do not know. There is no rule book for my situation.

Scared

People have said to me that making plans for the future is part of life and that I should go ahead and make them.

I can see their logic and I know they are right, but I am scared.

I am afraid of suffering terrible disappointment.

It seems easier to work with low expectations and celebrate everything that does go well than start to count on too many things.

I am physically fit and have every reason to be optimistic about what I will hear next month but I still feel uncomfortable thinking beyond then.

Seizing the day, or the month, even, seems fine to me but seizing the year seems like too much to take all at once.

Life right now is wonderful. I just want to slow time down and let it trickle past.