Amazing tales from Planet Tabloid

This week in our regular celebration of the art of newspapers, Madonna's gruesome coat, a cry for help from the spirit world, and gifts for Kitschmas. Plus our regular pun-writing competition. But first...

Q: Has losing two front teeth held Liam Gallagher back?

A: Not at all. Already he's back on stage singing What'th the Thtory, Morning Glory.

Meanwhile, it's Friday 13 but don't panic! For all those triskaidekaphobics out there - those who fear the number 13 - the Daily Mail has compiled a list of harmless factoids associated with the number:

Frank Sinatra weighed 13 pounds at birth

pigs sleep 13 hours a night

13 January is usually the UK's coldest day

a wedding on Friday 13 costs 13% less

the Oscar statuette is 13 inches tall

13% of men are left-handed

There, bet you're feeling better already.

That's not a fake-fur collar, is it?

Meanwhile, Madonna has got gal pal Stella McCartney really really mad, reports the Daily Mail.

For the singing star's favourite item of clothing is a coat made from the skins of 26 Persian lamb foetuses, and die-hard veggie Stella is not amused. Fellow veggie Gwyneth, too, has come in for stick for her fur-trimmed coat. Stella's verdict? "On the fur thing people are very fickle." This from a designer, who is surely best placed to know that fashion is fickle.

Celebrating those moments that even the most imaginative hack couldn't make up.

It tickled our fancy when a vicar said physics could disprove the Santa story - since when has a man of God relied on science to back up his beliefs?

But it gave us the heebie-jeebies when we read that cops called out to a crash on the A3 found no sign of an accident - until they ventured a further 20 yards and found a wrecked car with a skeleton in the driver's seat.

The body and the car had lain undiscovered for five months, and the motorists who alerted the police are now wondering if they saw an apparition of the original crash.

No room

If we had the space, we'd tell you how Noel Gallagher's ex-wife has said - while posing naked - that she won't reveal details of their split because she wants to keep her dignity.

For that hard-to-buy-for priest or pastor

Or how Richard Gere celebrated the opening of his new film Chicago by kissing the pavement in Leicester Square (the very place where drunk teens go to pass out in the gutter). And then kissing his lovely wife full on the lips.

And sadly there's no room to relate how a website selling kitsch religious gifts has been given the blessing of the Church of England [see Internet links on right].

Have you done your homework? Have you what! Last week you were invited to craft a pun for the story of the man who converted a signal box which has 20 commuter trains going past each day into his new home.

Richard Turner shot to the top of the class with "cutting edge rail estate", while Rob Bourne got a gold star for "room with a choo". So too did Hugh Jones's "living in a choo box".

Teacher also liked "guard and shed" from Elaine McIntyre, and Murray Milne's "well-appointed but above his station". Rebekah Kloeppel kept it short with "house-trained", as did Pat McGarry with "trainsquatting".

On to this week's task: please pun away on the story about how the Queen Vic pub - the local in EastEnders - is infested with fleas.

Your pun



Your name

Everyone makes mistakes. But not everyone has the honesty and candour to point them out to the world, and in the process show themselves up.

It's our occasional mission to lend a hand in publicising this honesty.

Here goes: "In a report headed No one 'nudged' us - Home Office, page 4, yesterday, we referred to the Home Office minister as Beverley Knight. Beverley Knight is a soul singer. The Home Office minister for immigration and asylum is Beverly Hughes."

It's a mistake everyone's made, it just happened to be the Guardian's turn this week.

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