Amazing tales from Planet Tabloid

This week tales of comedians, cats, and cabs. Plus, of course, our regular pun-writing competition. But first...

Q: Is Les Dennis mad?

A: Clearly. He's on Big Brother.

Meanwhile, certain papers have gone a long way to reaching the Government's recycling targets by conscientiously re-using photographs of Melinda Messenger which were taken years ago. The minor detail that she used to take her top off in those days is, assuredly, a coincidence.

But you can forget all about Big Brother, Survivor, Chained, Temptation Island and the others. You can even forget about Endurance, the show Clive James introduced us to for hilarious levels of cruelty on contestants. Cast them all from your minds. The highpoint of reality TV has been reached.

It comes from China. Two poor souls - who were actually the WINNERS - got to sit in a London cab all the way from China to London. With a London cabbie in the front. Talking to them all the way.

One of the lucky couple, Yuchan Wang, 26, told the Sun: "My English is much better now. He taught me 'You look a million dollars, doll'."

And naturally he kept the clock running. The fare was £25,000.

This week's Gold Dust moment - which celebrates those newsnuggets you couldn't make up - concerns Roy "Chubby" Brown and that famous comedian, BT.

Roy Chubby Brown: Safety concerns

Brown apparently "spends three hours a day on the blower taking bookings for shows", reports the side-splitting Daily Star. But a mystery JCB knocked down the telegraph poles near Brown's house in North Yorkshire, and his phone lines have been out of action for four weeks.

Keeping a straight face, like a true pro, a BT spokesman told the paper: "This is taking longer than we would have wished, but we have to work within safety guidelines."

And that, friends, is gold dust.

No room

Sadly no space to expand on the builder who was racing to work in his van, wondering what the strange screeching was, only to find next door's cat clinging to his van roof.

And there's not quite enough room to elaborate on the parrot which has taken residence in a church tower in West Yorkshire and is now telling parishioners exactly where to get off in distinctly Old Testament vernacular.

And regret upon regret, there simply aren't the pixels to tell you of Nick Marshall's feat in eating 27 meatballs in one minute using just toothpicks. Or that he achieved it at the national championships.

But you can be sure there's always room for Punorama. Like the England cricket team, you surpassed yourselves this week. You were invited to create puns for the story about a penniless Madonna having to cadge £2 off fellow diners at a Hyde Park canteen.

"I'm sorry, I'm afraid I don't carry any change with me"

"Immaterial Girl," said Rawli. "Like a vagrant, poor for the very first time," chipped in Simon James. "Buy my American Pie," coughed up John-Boy. "Pauper don't leach," was Mark Robinson's contribution.

Tall Tone tried really really hard, offering "Subsidise My Lunch". But then felt it needed some explanation (it was, he said, a pun on "Justify My Love"), which kind of spoiled the atmosphere, much like it would if one of the world's biggest celebs tried to tap you up for lunch money.

So with an eye on the future, you are invited to submit puns for the story about tipsy Sergio De Marco, 69, who decided to become a sword swallower, starting with his 12-inch barbecue fork - an exercise which was going just fine until he lost his balance. Let the punning begin.

Your pun



Your name

And thus from one planet to another - it's on the ever-chic world of Planet Lifestyle where one's decisions are informed by the broadsheet lifestyle experts.

And this week it's thanks to the ever-trusty Barefoot Doctor in the Observer Magazine for this invaluable advice on avoiding blushes.

"Use your fists to percuss Tarzan- or Jane-like on the centre of your breastbone with gentle pressure for half a minute or so to encourage the dispersal of errantly risen heat in the upper parts," he says.

"Then, placing one palm on your lower abdomen and the other on top of that, rub clockwise round your belly button 36 times to encourage heat dispersed as above to collect back in the lower parts where it's required."

And if that doesn't stop the blushing, perhaps it would be best just to hide behind your massimo mocha.

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