Amazing tales from Planet Tabloid

This week, shoplifting chic, tinned maggots, a penniless Madge and our regular pun-writing competition. But first...

Q: Just who is the most dangerous man in the world [this week]?

A: Why, Michael "I dangle my baby off balconies" Jackson of course. "The odd father," screamed the Sun. "Mad bad dad," shrieked the Mirror.

A family day out, shielded by minders and veils

Meanwhile, just where is Iraq anyway? That's the question the Mirror asked young New Yorkers as their country gears up to go to war with Saddam (you know, the Iraqi leader). The responses span the globe, from somewhere in the vicinity of Austria, maybe South America, China... Blimey. Hope the generals have been studying their atlases.

Also in the US, a must-have for fashionistas - shoplifting chic, the designer clothes and accessories Winona Ryder forgot to pay for at Saks Fifth Avenue.

With socks at a cool £48 and a plain white dress for an eye-watering £1,430 both selling out, the Sun rightly questions just who is stealing from whom?

Celebrating those moments that even the most imaginative hack couldn't make up.

If it's good enough for Two Fat Ladies, it's good enough for Jesus

A US anti-pollution group is asking motorists which car Jesus might drive, seeing as how buying a vehicle is a moral issue what with all the gas guzzlers on the road.

Perhaps a Honda, as the Bible says, "the Apostles were of one Accord". Or the Son of God might choose to follow the lead of an Old Testament hero and opt for a British motorcycle: "the roar of Moses' triumph is heard in the hills".

No room

Sadly no space this week to tell you about how posh department store Liberty is saucing up its image by selling sex toys (including one item which retails for £199).

Or the housewife who complained to supermarket bosses after finding MAGGOTS in a tin of tomatoes, only to be told they were GOOD for her. Or even enough room for the workmen who painted a parking bay with a lamppost and telegraph pole INSIDE the lines.

But there's ALWAYS room for Punorama. Last week you were asked to pun away about coach drivers spraying OAP passengers with herbal remedies so as to avoid being deafened by their snores.

And rise to the challenge you did, including Gavin Jamie with "HomeOAPathy"; "Bedthyme snorey," from Alison Enticknap; "Silence of the Grans," from Jon O'Rourke; and Bradders with "snooze control".

Now, as is our convention, please craft a pun for the story about how a penniless Madonna had to cadge £2 off fellow diners at a Hyde Park canteen.

Your pun



Your name

On to the ever-chic world of Planet Lifestyle, where there's soon to be a new crop of lifestyle tsars on the block.

For a new mag called Sister Mainline - it is aimed at cocaine and heroin users - is about to launch in the Netherlands. As well as horoscopes, sex tips and recipes, it offers beauty tips such as, "keep your nails short - cocaine plays tricks on your mind and makes you want to scratch yourself".

Enough to make your skin crawl.