Tumour diary: Bouncing back

BBC News Online science and technology writer Ivan Noble was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumour in August. Here he describes regaining strength after his first round of chemotherapy.

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Somehow I have just managed to steal a week away from my disease.

For the last few days I have woken up to normal thoughts and I have spent those days doing relatively normal things.

I do not know how I managed it, but it has been wonderful.

I know that I cannot ignore my condition entirely, but as an experiment, doing it for a week worked really well

It is as if someone had been pushing down on the top of my ribcage for the past three months and has now suddenly let go. I hope it lasts.

The fatigue from the chemotherapy seems to have gone completely, though now that I have a winter cold it is hard to be sure.

I took a week off reading e-mails and saved them all until now to read, so I apologise to anyone who had to wait that long for a reply.

Striking a balance

I know that I cannot ignore my condition entirely, but as an experiment, doing it for a week worked really well.

It is hard to strike the right balance.

I sat down to begin the new Zadie Smith novel, only to find one of the principal characters diagnosed with a brain tumour in the prologue

Life is so much easier if I simply pretend there is nothing wrong with me.

"Live your own life, not the life of the tumour," wrote another brain tumour patient in a support group magazine I saw recently, and I thought "What a great idea!"

But at the same time there is still the urge to find out more about the disease and of course about experimental treatments.

It would be awful to have missed out on something that could make a huge difference simply because I did not hear about it.

I worry that all this self-deception is going to rebound on me at some point, that it is somehow wrong to try to ignore what has happened.

Still, it is not possible to get away from the subject of cancer for too long.

Right after enjoying an afternoon pizza in town - vegetarian of course - I ran straight into a pack of the new breed of young professional street fund raisers who wear smart bibs identifying the charity they are working for this week.

This week they were collecting for a cancer research charity.

Fact or fiction?

I thought that I was safe from the subject when I got home and sat down to begin the new Zadie Smith novel, only to find one of the principal characters diagnosed with a brain tumour in the prologue.

Perhaps it is OK to forget the tumour as much as I can, because there are just so many things that will bring it to mind in any case.

For reasons which will have to wait until next week's column, this week has also been unusually busy.

But I did finally manage to find a tai chi teacher and I am looking forward to starting at the beginning of next month.

The diet is going well and given that I feel so positive at the moment, perhaps the exercises will help stabilise things and keep me on a more even keel for the next round of chemotherapy.

Despite the cold, I feel full of life and I want to keep things that way.

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Your emails to Ivan:

When things feel lousy my advice would be to read what YOU wrote in your column this week. You can inspire not only us, but also yourself.
Mel, London

It's been an interesting experience reading your articles. As a medical student I learn lots about the pathology of diseases and even how to try and cure them, but not very much about how cancer changes the patient's life. Thank you for your insight - I'm sure my future patients will be grateful.
Carina Cotaru, Australia

I too have a malignant brain tumour - a recurrence, which is now inoperable and no further radiotherapy is possible. I have started a course of chemo and feel OK so far. How you manage to stay positive beats me. It is really hard. It is so unfair. I just want to be around for my wonderful children.
Jane Wyatt, UK

I feel as though I have found a brother in arms Dan, California, USA

Having also been diagnosed with a brain tumor (sorry about the spelling - I'm American) in August, I feel as though I have found a brother in arms. You've done a remarkable job describing what this experience is like... and to discover the positive aspects of it. Life has many things to teach us, and it seems you have learned well. I'd love to share a pint with you in about twenty years or so.
Dan, California, USA

I was diagnosed with breast cancer and my husband lost his job two days later. It felt like the end of the world but I'm still here and apparently free of cancer at the moment. My husband and children have been fantastic and my friends very supportive and loving. The treatment I received from the NHS was first class. I used to wake up each day and the first thought in my head was that I had cancer and was going to die, but it gets better as time goes by. The side effects from the chemotherapy seemed almost unbearable at times, but looking back now it doesn't seem quite so bad. There will be times when it all seems too much, but hang in there, take each day at a time, and talk about it to people. Don't keep it all to yourself. Writing the journal is probably helping you, but also talk to those close to you about how you feel or a cancer specialist (I had a breast care nurse assigned to be there for me and she really helped).
Jan, UK

Way to go on the T'ai Chi! I enjoy it hugely. One of our classmates is undergoing radiation treatment for breast cancer. She too is sporting the fashionable bald look. She also is continuing to work full time as a school teacher. She says the T'ai Chi helps her relax and re-centre. I know it does for me. I urge you to read a good many books on T'ai Chi and its relationship to Taoist philosophy. I have found it extremely valuable in my rather chaotic life.
Lisa, USA

My wife is also fighting with a malignant brain tumour, as am I through proxy. I read the following on a cancer help website which I remember every day - "Fighting cancer is much like climbing a mountain. It's a long hard climb, but stay focused, stay on the path, and don't forget to pause for breath, look around and enjoy the view. Life does go on."
Neil MacDonald, UK

Your tumour is part of you but you are more than it. Spending a week 'forgetting' about it should show you this. Maybe you can't make yourself forget about it but you can remember it is only part of what is happening in your life.
Lucy, Australia

I forget my tumour often and just get on with life Ian Lamerton, UK

I forget my tumour often and just get on with life - as you will when between treatments. I'm up for radiotherapy over Xmas but I'm sure to bounce back as I have after surgery. That should keep me going for another five years or so during which time I hope to put it to the back of my mind. The best I can hope for is to see my kids grow up - as long as I've provided for them and my family is financially secure I'll be happy. When the time comes, let's leave our families with some very happy memories, shall we?
Ian Lamerton, UK

Thank you for being brave enough to share your experience with us. I have recently lost a close friend to leukaemia and now another has been diagnosed with the same. I am going to read your section with him so that we both find the same strength as you to beat it this time.
Rebecca, England

My father was diagnosed with lung cancer and as a 22-year-old the bottom fell out of my world. With fantastic help from Papworth Hospital in Cambs and a top attitude to his illness, great NHS treatment, my Dad, 63 now and I have a great time together. I guess what I am trying to say is that if you are positive, young and strong, and have the strength of people with you, you can achieve anything, and I'm sure you will.
Scott Russell, England

Glad you had a good week! Top tip for this week, try some winter ice skating, it's good fun! And don't watch too much Celebrity Big Brother, it will get you down!!
John, London

Keep going with whatever gives you peace Patricia Cave, UK

I've been reading your articles and almost experiencing the down days with you. My son had a brain tumour diagnosed when aged nine, he survived with a great deal of help from the medical professions. He's now 25! The bad days do get fewer honestly, the good times in between get longer. You are doing remarkably well. Take all the help and assistance you and your family need. Keep going with whatever gives you peace.
Patricia Cave, UK

It would be such a waste to the female sex to lose such a "looker" as you. Please forgive me for being so forward, but you are a very attractive man. My dear best friend has been diagnosed with lung cancer and you both sound so much alike, so determined to fight. Good luck and God bless xx
Susan Robinson, Morecambe, Lancs

Positive thinking, that's the ticket! I love happy endings so don't let me down.
Sean Date, Sweden

Remember that you are at the beginning - not at the end. Take comfort from the fact that you are not alone. There are many unseen experts, working tirelessly throughout the world to try and conquer this disease. I wish you and your family all good fortune.
Mark Freeman, England

I am scared to read your diary but even more scared not to Mark, UK

I am scared to read your diary but even more scared not to. We sometimes shy away from talking about illness to the ones we love so as not to hurt them or maybe so they don't see the hurt in us. What you're doing by going public must be tough but hopefully worthwhile.
Mark, UK

When I was diagnosed with cancer nine years ago I learned the phrase "I've got cancer, it hasn't got me." It's stuck with me ever since, and I find it a useful motto when I am low.
Deirdre, UK

Dude, every week I read your stuff and you are great, keep it going. All the best,
John Leong, London

I wish you luck for the future because you do have one Malcolm Oliver, UK

My mother was first diagnosed with a brain tumour 14 years ago and feared the worst. With a lot of support from family and the NHS she has recovered to lead a normal life. I am a very lucky person to have a mum who has fought so hard to stay alive and keep a sense of purpose about her life. Ivan, I wish you and your family all the luck for the future because you do have one.
Malcolm Oliver, UK

Your words touched me. Keep going.
Andrew Barber, UK

I have always said that if I turned out to have cancer, I'd just let myself go, and not suffer the intrusive medical treatments I've seen among family and other loved ones. But reading your journal I am moved by your spirit and your quiet courage. I would now go for chemo if I had to. May your candle burn and burn, beautifully. I'll stay tuned to your life.
Kate, Ireland/Spain

It's absolutely wonderful to see you in this frame of mind. I've been reading your column for weeks and this is the best I have seen you! When you beat the tumour (and you will!) you'll be able to permanently forget it and live your life the way you want!
Matt B, UK

Glad you're feeling chirpier. Your experience with the book and the charity collectors reminded me of when I miscarried a few years ago. For the next few weeks all I could see was pregnant women and adverts for nappies on the telly. I thought I was being targeted! In retrospect I was understandably just over-sensitive to reminders. Please let us know how your family are coping. My thoughts are with you all - including the many people writing in who are going through similar experiences.
Liz Gold-Lewis, Devon, England

I have been reading your diaries from the beginning with great interest. I wish that I had some wise words of wisdom to share with you, but I don't. You have reminded me how to enjoy life and not just take what we have for granted.
Beccie, UK