Amazing tales from Planet Tabloid

This week, ghostly goings on in the garden, a two-headed snake, and our regular pun-writing competition. But first...

Q: Is too much monosodium glutamate bad for you?

A: Well of course it is. That's what "too much" means. But if what you're getting at is the scientific research which illustrated that a huge overdose of the substance often used in Chinese cooking causes some disruption to the retinas of rats, then the headline you might be after is "TAKEAWAYS CAN MAKE YOU BLIND".

Elsewhere, however, it is important to get into the spirit of the season, and mum Kath Brown has certainly done that.

Just past the pond, third grave on the left near the gnomes

She has done the decent thing, the Sun reveals, and turned her front garden into a graveyard, with 13 mock graves. "On Halloween, Kath, 35, will rise up out of a coffin in the ground to give her kids a shock," the paper says.

It's all OK though, because it's all for charity. She explains: "People love it, and drop coins in the grave."

Celebrating those moments that even the most imaginative hack couldn't make up.

We all know that there is a conspiracy to hide the pack of wild cats which roam large parts of the UK, and that the authorities refuse to accept their existence. Once in a while, however, a story leaks out.

"I'm just going down to the shed, dear."

Gill Bonnell of Knowle Gate found large paw marks, bites, and other damage on her car. At first she suspected vandals, but now she believes it was the work of a wild cat.

"The police think it was a panther attack, and I'm worried because I have children and our pet cat is missing," she said.

Missing? Perhaps it's just taken matters into its own paws.

No room

Sadly no room this week to relate to you the news that Nessie has been found in Yorkshire (minor detail to bury deep in story... it's been dead for 130 million years).

Neither do we have the capacity to tell you about the two-headed snake that was found in Majorca.

There is, of course, no shortage of room for Punorama. You were cordially invited to create a pun for the intriguing story about Miss Captivity - a reality TV show attempting to find Lithuania's best-looking female prisoner.

And did you rise to the challenge? Well these people did.

The slopping out began was "Captivrating", by Gary Burdac. Phil Smith burst into the exercise yard with "Slamour Queen" and Joe Pascual with "Wormwood Scrubs (up well)". "Miss-Demeanour" said Glenn over some snout, and "Pretty in Clink" came from Harold (smuggled in by a visitor).

Kenneth Livingstone (presumably not the Mayor of London clumsily trying to disguise his identity) banged out in Morse with a tin cup "Prison't she lovely".

But with the special award of another 30 days in solitary, it's the daddy of them all, "Beauty con test" from Bryn Attewell.

So as an investment in all our futures on the outside, please spend a few moments creating next week's puns for Punorama. The story... what else but the huge inflatable Ronald MacDonald which blew on to the railway line between London and Cardiff and held the trains up. Your time starts now.

Your pun



Your name

Yes, it's the return of Planet Lifestyle, bringing you all the essential tips for living from the broadsheets' lifestyle tsars.

And welcome back to our friends at the Guardian, who have been thoughtful enough this week to provide a guide to that troublesome issue - etiquette at the spa.

There are all sorts of pitfalls - making passes at your masseuse or masseur, spreading veruccas, etc. But there's one thing above all you mustn't do.

"Most spas offer paper knickers. But be aware that 'countless clients' have mistaken them for some kind of hat and promptly put them on their heads...Don't be one of them."

Wise words.