Amazing tales from Planet Tabloid

In this week's round-up of the outer reaches of the news agenda, tales of navel fluff, smart hedgehogs, and our weekly pun contest. But first...

Q: It seems that millionaire golfers often have wives or girlfriends who are very attractive.

A: You're right. This calls for some large photographs.

Away from the fairways of The Belfry, and far, far away from any talk of protest marches, there is worrying news in the Daily Mail of animal cunning.

Currently 100,000 hedgehogs meet their prickly maker on the roads, under the wheels of 4x4s (that's the British term for "SUVs" to our American friends).

Look right, left, then right again. Check there are no hedgehogs watching.

But the flea-ridden beasts are getting wise. Not only have scientists discovered they have learnt their Green Cross Code (i.e. not rolling up into a ball when a vehicle approaches but instead getting to the other side quickly), it also seems they are avoiding roads altogether.

Rumours that some particularly bright hedgehogs have worked out how to open car doors and even which pedal is the clutch are as yet unconfirmed.

Our weekly slot celebrating those wonderful stories and quotes you simply couldn't make up. And sure enough this week's Gold Dust is a story which makes you glad you're alive.

The Sun reports that retired trucker Ronnie Crossland has spent the last 15 years taking photographs of cement mixers.

This model is a particular classic

He has more than 1,000 pictures, and has travelled 200,000 miles taking them.

Ronnie, a former trainspotter who gave it up because it was too boring, said: "One builder threatened to bash me with a spade when I asked to photograph his mixer - he thought I was making fun of him."

Ronnie, you are a national treasure.

No room

Sadly no room this week to include the Australian man who has been collecting his own navel fluff since 1984 and now has 15.4g of it stored in jars.

It's on with the pun.

Here's the drill. Which of these puns is fabricated by us, and which manufactured by the papers?

A) Wakey quakey
B) Quakey breaky
C) Quaking all over
D) Quake, rattle and roll

Save your grey cells, it's D). That was just a practice. You want puns? Well puns cost, and right here's where you start paying. In sweat.

Last week's challenge was to create a pun to accompany the story that prisoners are about to start working in Marks and Spencer.

We had a bumper crop, but please keep your receipt if you wish to exchange any of them.

"Past their cell-by date," said Derek Hasted. "Con-venience shopping," said Planet Tabloid regular Robert Carnegie. "Back on the chainstore," said Vicky, who scored an unprecedented double by also suggesting: "Narks and Fences". "Carrier lags," said Stu Maddison. "M&S nickers," said Phil Smith. "Are your sentences being served," suggested David helpfully, although rather misunderstanding the nature of a pun.

So here goes with this week's challenge. A pun please for the story about the oldest raven at the Tower of London, Hardey, who was given a special treat to mark the occasion - a sheep's heart. (To eat, presumably.)

Your pun



Your name

What would you do without Planet Lifestyle, a handy bite-sized catch-up on all the crucial news for how you need to live your life today.

The one thing you must consider getting this week is an afro. Whoever you are, whatever your race or follicular status, an afro is where it's at, the Sunday Times Style section tells us.

The afro is back on the streets of Brixton and Hackney, it says, complete with carefully placed combs.

American Jews are on board too, with the "jewfro".

Even Japanese dogs are getting in on the act. "While still some way from infiltrating the mainstream, Afros are unmistakably on the way back. The recent mohawk epidemic started by David Beckham has demonstrated the potential for "out there" hairstyles. Who knows? Maybe Beckham is already considering that perm."

What are you waiting for?