Amazing tales from Planet Tabloid

This week, a delicious recipe of bendy bananas, puns, flares, and velour. But first...

Burning issue of the week:

Q: Are those braces in Tom Cruise's mouth?
A: Why, yes. Yes they are.

Cruise's apparent humility at wearing said braces to the London premiere of his new film, and his willingness to spend time chatting to fans, was seen as both a sign that he is a good egg and that he wants to shore up his popularity after splitting with Nicole.

Brace yourself

But the Daily Star reported that his walkabout was particularly well received by one bystander in Leicester Square, who began "pleasuring himself" nearby before being arrested. The paper then made an undignified pun on the name of Cruise's film Mission:Impossible which it would be quite improper to repeat.

Barmy army

Elsewhere there was obvious disappointment that the High Court had ruled that the infamous EU "bendy banana" rule - which said the fruit should be straight - was not enforceable. There's only one thing more beloved on Planet Tabloid than having a "barmy Brussels bureaucrat" story to run with.

Fortunately for the papers, that one thing is a loony leftie story. Thus the news that a drama group in Derbyshire is putting on a production of a play called The Bell-Ringer of Notre Dame named so as not to offend hunchbacks. It brought the kind of joy for the papers not seen since the phrase "black or white" was banned at a council coffee bar.

The Sun's Richard Littlejohn proposed a whole raft of future productions which may need amendment. "Snow White sounds a bit racist," he said, "and I'm not sure you can call dwarves dwarves any more...but somehow Mixed Race Female and the Seven Persons of Restricted Growth doesn't quite have the same ring to it."

Dostoevsky's masterpiece would need to be updated to Social Exclusion and Rehabilitation. (By strange coincidence, The Daily Mail had an alternative version - Crime and Safari Holidays - and the inspired French Woman's Lieutenant.)

Puntastic

Let's spare a thought for those unsung heroes of this World Cup, a group of men and women who have toiled day after day justifying their position in world rankings. We speak of the pun-making headline-writers.

It's been a solid performance over the last four weeks, and there are clear signs of fatigue setting in, but there's gold in them there foreign names yet.

Special mention this week for these works of genius: "What a load of Ballacks", "Ronald-doh!", "Ronaldome", "Ron top of the world", "The king of Seoul", and "If anyone can do it, Kahn can". Your nominations, please, in the usual manner. (The form at the bottom of the page.)

Caption competition

Remember last week's competition to devise a clever and amusing caption for this photograph? Well, you can't have everything, but nevertheless here are some winning entries.

5. Excuse me miss, this section is for VIPs not VPLs
(Dward Savory)

4. Woman at Ascot with no hat shock
(Claire Davey)

3. I see the going's good to firm
(Simon Guerrero)

2. I thought you said you had some hot tips
(Tim Riley)

1. "She can talk about recycling all she likes... next time we decorate, the net curtains are going."
(Mike Collins)

No-one need expect prizes.

With a grim sense of foreboding, we now invite you to do the same for this week's caption, taken in Ottawa during the G8 summit.

Your caption



Your name

Results next week. Advice to competitors: As Einstein said: 'God is subtle, but he is not malicious'.

Planet Lifestyle

On Planet Tabloid, it was reported with regret that the velour tracksuit was making a comeback (regret, since velour tracksuits give few opportunities for female celebrities "accidentally" revealing their chests while getting into cars).

But on Planet Lifestyle, where the broadsheet lifestyle commentators rule, there are other hazards. Take Simon Round, for instance, who suffers from a velour phobia, according to the Observer Magazine.

"The look and particularly the feel of velour sets my teeth on edge," he says. "Even talking about it makes me clench my fists and feel uncomfortable."

He is not alone in having an unusual burden. There is also a woman who has a phobia of big black poodles.

But in an act of bravery which so typifies the residents of Planet Lifestyle, Mr Round says: "A life without velour can be a full and happy one."

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