Well I can assure you that I am not doing porridge for medical negligence, nor am I here searching for Ulrika..ka..ka. I am actually keeping an eye on the latest victim for BBC's Noel's House Party, who is 'banged up' for a week.

I can tell you it is all absolutely above board - the guy really has been locked up since we arrived, being let out only for an hour's exercise every other day.

Unfortunately for me I am just up the corridor with an equally hard bed. But at least they don't lock the door (I hope).

Even though we know that we will be released in the near future it is quite a daunting prospect and I can't help thinking of messrs McCarthy, Waite, Keenan and all the other political hostages who, by all accounts, spent their time in worse surroundings without any knowledge of when they might be free.

There can be no doubt that they are all very, very brave people.

In fact I have a suggestion for the national curriculum: include a visit to a prison for schoolchildren so that they can see what they might let themselves in for if they break the law.

From what I have seen I am sure it would make them think twice.

The problem issue, from talking to the prison warders here, is that once inmates become institutionalised they begin to function more normally whilst in prison, than in real life outside so they can become lifelong visitors.

Boot camps

Perhaps an answer to this could be the so-called boot camps, one of which is situated next door to our disused prison.

The aim is to give young first offenders a short, sharp shock, army style with fatigues, exercise, discipline and obedience in the hope that this jailbird phenomenon is not established at an early stage.

As you can imagine I have not had much chance to get out, but I managed to scrounge a paper for two snout and half a roll of soft loo paper. I was delighted to feel straight at home with a front page spread on Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa Laa, and Po ( all incidently good friends of mine at the BBC) who are apparently "England's new fab four taking the US by storm".

I was so proud to think that it is a BBC programme - good old Auntie.

I imagine the teletubbies may now take over from Benny Hill as the main topic of conversation between UK and US citizens.

It was nice to talk to you this week from the United States - my worst fear of meeting Mr Blobby was thankfully unfounded.