Amazing tales from Planet Tabloid

This week, ghostly apparitions, cheese news, and your rather poor punchlines. But first...

Burning issue of the week:

Q: Is there too much sex in the soaps?

A: Ooh yes, those soap operas are obscene. And to prove it, there are pictures on the centre pages.

And now the rest of the news. Remember that very unsettling period a couple of years ago when you couldn't cut open an aubergine or tomato without them spelling out religious messages?

(It was about the same time that you couldn't look in a Mexican puddle or in a pork scratching in a Hull pub without seeing the image of the Virgin Mary.)

You thought all that was over? Think again. Looking at the scan of her unborn baby, Amanda Schofield from Manchester saw a blurred and grainy face hidden in the picture which seemed familiar, the News of the World reported.

No, it wasn't Waldo, it was the face of her grandmother Muriel, who died six years ago. "I think my baby has been given my gran's soul," says Amanda. "Her face was unmistakeable."

Do us all a favour, Amanda. Avoid cutting vegetables at all costs. Who knows what you might find.

No more partying for granddad

Social misfit update

Hot news from the crazy world of celebrities. Gareth Gates ate an ice cream, Kylie went for a walk, DJ Harriet Scott wears knickers and EastEnders star Jessie Wallace shops at Marks and Spencer. Mad stuff. And meanwhile a 61-year-old grandfather-of-three has decided to stop going to nightclubs, partly because it's made him go deaf in one ear.

There is a shocking revelation that chocolate chip cheddar cheese can improve your sex life, according to a study by a company in Somerset. The same company, actually, which has recently started manufacturing cheddar cheese with added chocolate chips.

Your punchlines

Last week, you may remember, you were asked to do us a favour, and write a punchline for the Sun's story about a lorry on the A40 which had shed its load of Holsten Pils.

"Holsten slip" wrote Neil Johnson. "Holsten spil" wrote P Worrall, giving a twist on the Sun's actual headline which had been Holsten Spills. "1,580 for the road" wrote Don MacAskill, who also suggested "Off the wagon".

There were some others too, most of which were even poorer than these. And to be honest, we didn't think anyone would write any at all. But 94 of you apparently didn't have anything better to do with your time.

And furthermore in the time it took us to look through your entries, we didn't have time to write a one liner (let alone a witty one) for the story about the two coppers who were answering a call about a house raid.

On their way they got stuck in a traffic jam which was caused by a broken down red Granada. They helped push the red Granada and get it going, then got back into their Panda car.

Over their radios they were informed that the thieves had made off in... oh it's so predictable... a red Granada. So they then had to chase it.

There you go. It sounds like a joke, so punchlines please.

Your punchline

Your name
If any punchlines are good enough, we may publish some of them. We reserve the right to put up none, but if we do put any up, it'll be next week.

Planet Lifestyle

You may think that living on Planet Lifestyle (where everyone is guided by lifestyle experts in broadsheet newspapers and supplements) is an endless circus of gadgets, fads, affectations and vanities. But things can be difficult there too, you know.

Avoid the obvious wind-generating foodstuffs

Mrs Mills

Indeed, it's a place governed by all sorts of complicated protocols. Witness this letter to the Sunday Times's etiquette specialist, Mrs Mills, from a correspondent who - like everyone else on Planet Lifestyle - is keen to take up yoga.

"My friend, who has been doing it for a while in our village hall, says that as everyone relaxes into the session, they become very flatulent." How to avoid a similar humiliation?

Mrs Mills gives sterling advice: "Avoid the obvious wind-generating foodstuffs. For example I wouldn't advise a lot of beans on toast, garnished with boiled sprouts and washed down with a couple of pints of beer just before assuming the lotus position."

Alternatively she suggests lining one's underwear with talcum powder. "You may appear to be impersonating Thomas the Tank Engine, but at least the meditative air will be softly perfumed."

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Keep your eyes peeled for strange happenings on Planet Tabloid or Planet Lifestyle, and inform the authorities by submitting them with the form below.