Little Tony and Gordonina

With New Year and the Panto season upon us I've been wondering what 2002 might bring us...

Tony and the beanstalk

Little Tony and Gordonina were such a funny pair. Little Tony with his smile and winning ways, but ever so, ever so, silly sometimes!

And Gordonina always so worried about spending money, with that unconvincing smile.

Once upon a future it was market day and Gordonina told Little Tony to take their fat, sleek cow to sell.

"Because of the lowest inflation and interest rates for many a long year, and making the bank of England independent," said Gordonina, "you should be able to get a good price for Daisy at market...perhaps even social justice and increased productivity in the economy!"

"Funny," said Little Tony "You sound just like Alastair. (Alastair was Little Tony's greatest friend, but we're not allowed to talk about him because he's behind the scenes now)

So Little Tony went off, whistling a merry tune.

LATER that night he came back looking very pleased with himself.

"Well, what did you get?" asked Gordonina.

"I met a man on the way to market and he let me swap Daisy for this magic euro coin."

"WHAT" roared Gordonina. "You stupid, boy, this is completed worthless, if it's not actually dangerous" and he grabbed the coin and threw it out of the window.

In the morning sad Little Tony looked out and, saw growing there a huge bean stalk reaching up to the sky.

AND what could they hear?

Drifting down was the sound of a frightening giant voice shouting "Fee Fi Fo Fum I smell blood and a referendum".

Quick as a flash Little Tony climbed up the beanstalk. Up and up he went. In that strange land of Euro above the clouds he saw many things to scare the wits out of him.

Confused people huddled on street corners, counting their money over and over again, old ladies crying that they had been swindled out of their life's savings, banks that had completely run out of coins and many other frightening sights.

And then that voice again. "Fee Fi Fo Fum this must never happen to an Englishman".

Which was strange because the Giant's voice, which was not only loud, but it must be said rather coarse, did not sound English at all, but Australian with perhaps a twinge of American in it.

BUT little Tony wasn't daunted because he was quite brave when he felt he had a mission. And this was the mission he believed in more than any other.

So he stole into the giant's castle and quick as a flash wrapped something in a tea towel and belted out again.

This time he could see the giant, who was lumbering after him shouting "Be he alive or be he dead I'll grind his bones to get my paper read!".

Little Tony slithered down the beanstalk with the giant in hot pursuit.

Down below Gordonina was thinking. "All this foliage reminds me to take a leaf from those old dusty books left over in the Treasury," he mused.

So he got his axe and went "cut, cut cut".

The giant's last words were "Splits! Chaos! Division!" as he hit the ground with a splat.

LITTLE Tony and Gordonina hugged each other.

"He fell right into the trap!"

For the giant had forgotten that it is not just in Panto land that you can be really rude about each other, and really cross with each other, but still be friends underneath - at least when there is a giant to be slayed.