What's his name?

By BBC News Online political correspondent Nick Assinder

Former Tory minister Peter Lilley used to joke about the fact that nobody knew who he was.

He suddenly raised his profile recently, however, by announcing he thought it was time to legalise cannabis.

But even that doesn't seem to have done the trick.

One solution to Lilley's profile problem

He walked into one of the MPs-only watering holes in the Commons the other day only to be asked by the barman if he was a member of parliament.

There was great hilarity and embarrassment all around - but Mr Lilley handled it rather well.

He turned to one of his fellow drinkers and declared: "It must be all the drugs I'm taking."

Portillo's wedding welcome

It is not just Mr Lilley who suffers from a profile problem, however.

Would-be Tory leader Michael Portillo tells the story of how he recently made a campaigning visit and was delighted when a young, enthusiastic "lad" rushed over to him and shouted: "'Ere, I know you. Don't tell me, don't tell me. You are that Chris Patten ain't you."

That's the leftish, single currency loving, European Commissioner - spotted the difference?

Portillo had to glad-hand a crowd of reporters

Mr Portillo is certainly going all out to woo as many voters as he possibly can in the Tory leadership contest.

But he appeared to take it too far last Tuesday when he attended a lunch with members of the press gallery.

As the hacks and their guests - many of them Tory MPs - walked into the dining room they were individually greeted by Mr Portillo who shook each of them warmly by the hand.

This was a first for the press gallery and left many of the journalists feeling as though they were being welcomed into a wedding reception.

The more cynical thought this was all part of his leadership campaign and he simply wanted to make an impression on everybody at the gathering, even those who don't have a vote.

But there may have been a more straightforward explanation. It appears Mr Portillo had just stepped out of the lift, recognised one of his colleagues and, out of politeness, shook his hand in greeting.

He then found himself facing a line of slightly puzzled journalists and others who assumed there were all expected to shake his hand.

Garden weeds

There is a patch of ground in Downing Street just behind the cabinet office that no one has know what to do with for years.

It now looks like a derelict bomb site with nettles, thistles and weeds running wild.

This is all deliberate, of course, because it has been turned into a mini nature reserve.

Isn't he that religious nutter who used to present Grandstand?

Dinner party guest on David Davis

They have even dug a nice little pond to give the Downing Street duck somewhere to play.

But some mischievous occupants of the cabinet office believe they have spotted an odd looking plant in the middle of the undergrowth.

Just as Tony Blair is insisting there is no way the government is about to legalise cannabis, it is being suggested he should look in his own back yard.

After all one of the most recent occupants of the cabinet office was Mo Mowlam, who has confessed to having had a cannabis incident in her youth.

It is all a huge joke - of course!

Tale of the dark horse

There is precious little charity amongst the ranks of Tory backbenchers.

Shortly after David Davis - the self-proclaimed dark horse of the leadership campaign - stood down one MP declared: "That's another dark horse on the way to the glue factory."

Perhaps his inability to break through in the contest has something to do with his name.

Where next for the dark horse?

Some people seem to believe he is the former BBC reporter who now runs the Football Association - an easy mistake as they share the same name.

But I have been told of a more worrying confusion. A friend recently went to a dinner party and, when he mentioned Mr Davis as a possible Tory leader was asked: "Isn't he that religious nutter who used to present Grandstand."

That was self-proclaimed son of God David Icke.

There is a certain amount of glee amongst members of Tory central office over the way the leadership campaign has unravelled.

One of them could not resist pointing out the fact that this was the first election campaign they have had nothing to do with.