Amazing tales from Planet Tabloid

This week on our regular trip to the outer fringes of the news agenda: the hell of being Kevin Costner, a woman "stunned" by a crisp, and a man who wore live bumblebee underpants. But first...

BURNING ISSUE OF THE WEEK

Question: Just how much space is it physically possible for the tabloids to devote to the ITV show Popstars?

Answer: Quite a lot.

Knickers!

Two-hundred pairs of knickers have been stolen from washing lines by a soldier in Oxfordshire, according to the Oxford Mail.

Charles Kennedy knickers - probably not worth nicking

Cops say: "I understand that some women may be reluctant to reclaim the items, but they are here if they want them back."

Two-hundred is a big number, representing a hefty proportion of the total underwear-stock of rural Oxfordshire.

But it is still not known how many pairs of knickers it would take to fill the Albert Hall.

WHY IT DOESN'T PAY TO BE A DO-GOODER

A thieving ecological postman in Germany has been caught as a result of his devotion to recycling.

The eco-deliverer used to pinch letters, slice them open, steal cash and other valuables before conscientiously taking the discarded envelopes to a recycling unit where, of course, he was tracked down to and, subsequently, arrested.

Clearly, social responsibility and larceny do not mix.

THE WILD WORLD OF THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER

The National Enquirer describes itself as "America's Hottest Weekly".

Unable to tie the knot... Kevin Costner

Mostly it is full of pictures of celebrities smiling at each other. If you squint all the celebrities look the same.

Generally speaking, this eye-narrowing trick is about the most fun you can have with the National Enquirer.

The big news in this week's edition is that Kevin Costner's girlfriend was spotted straightening the star's tie at a film premiere.

This action, the paper thought, could be read as a sign of affection - since it is well known that girlfriends get some sort of secret thrill out of tie-straightening.

House falls off back of lorry

Sydney Morning Herald

But there is more.

Two years ago another woman was seen straightening Costner's tie.

What is it with Kevin Costner and ties?

The National Enquirer comes to Costner's "rescue" by printing a step by step diagram to show "as a public service to Kevin and all other fumble-fingered fellows".

LATEST MIRACLE CRISP NEWS

Previously Planet Tabloid reported on the American woman who collects potato crisps that supposedly look like celebrities.

Stunning...

Now the trend has crossed the Atlantic.

The Sun reports that a woman called Karen Peterson from Stanmore, London, has found a crisp which is shaped like a human foot.

Karen, 40, was reportedly "stunned". Then, after looking a the "foot-crisp" more carefully she began "rolling around laughing" like a mad woman.

The manufacturers, who coincidentally are launching a massive advertising campaign, reassured Sun readers there was nothing to worry about.

"It's something to do with the chopping up and cooking process," said a spokesman.

GRISLY MEDICAL HORROR OF THE WEEK

An official stood in front of us with different bulbs and insisted on showing us how to fit them all. I felt like a complete idiot

Doncaster Council employee talks about "training" quoted in the Daily Star

Police in New Zealand have at last solved the Whangarei Golf Club Amputated Finger mystery.

Kiwi cops last month found two amputated and shrivelled human fingers lying by the road outside the golf club.

The find puzzled the cops, deeply. There had been no reports or complaints from locals who had been attacked by finger-amputating fiends. What the hell was going on?

Now they know.

A man has reclaimed the fingers, explaining that he had them voluntarily removed some years earlier for medical reasons. The finger-man then kept the spent digits in his car as a keepsake.

Perfect scenario - Twin Peaks director David Lynch

Last month the man sold his car but - implausible though this may seem - forgot to remove the finger jar.

The new owners, it was discovered, found the jar and, presumably after saying "yeeeuuuchh", threw them out the window, waiting until they were driving past the golf club before doing so.

Police sergeant Peter Stokes, as quoted in the New Zealand Herald, pronounced himself "relieved" once the mystery was cleared up.

The whole story may soon be made into a 20-part TV mini series by David Lynch.

THE HIGH FRONTIER

Exciting developments unfold almost daily in the related fields of quantum mechanics, astrophysics and space exploration.

In outer space women's breasts would try to become more spherical because there would be nothing to pull them down. But if you wanted to hold them in shape, you would need to wear a bra.

Peter Bond of the Royal Astronomical Society

The tabloids, naturally enough, are on the case, zooming in on the question that really counts: what happens to the shape of women's breasts in zero-gravity conditions?

The answer, according to the New Scientist, widely quoted in the papers this week, is that they stick out at right-angles to the torso.

DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME...

Great tabloid glee this week at the announcement that the shock-schlock American TV show "Jackass" is about to appear on British screens.

"A contestant on the show wore 'bee-kini' briefs with his privates covered in a swarm of bumblebees," the Daily Star reported.

"Another man stood in a portable loo while a crane lifted it upside down. The camera recorded what happened as the toilet's contents poured all over him."