Tumour Diary: Back to work

BBC News Online Science and Technology writer Ivan Noble was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumour in August.

He has been sharing his experiences in a weekly online column.

Here he describes getting ready to go back to work.

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Thursday, the day this appears, is the day I intend going back to work.

It will not be much of a return, in that I will be in the office for two days before I go away for Christmas and then I will have more chemotherapy starting on 2 January.

Some time early next year I will find out if all the treatment I have been having has worked

Friday sees our team's Christmas lunch, so I do not expect a gruelling schedule.

But, for me, it will be a statement of intent, another step on the road to leading as normal a life as possible.

Some time early next year I will find out if all the treatment I have been having has worked and whether real normality is going to be possible for any length of time.

That is something I am usually optimistic about, but I cannot say I am looking forward to the day of the results very much.

Family visit

I would have gone back to work a couple of days earlier, but I wanted to take my daughter to see her great-grandmothers, both of whom are 90 years old.

That meant a trip home to Yorkshire, which is where I am writing this.

The thing that stuck in my mind was seeing photographs of myself and my daughter at the beginning of this year

The healthier of my grandmothers was delighted to see her first great-grandchild and the two of them entertained each other happily.

No-one has told her about my diagnosis, only that I was in hospital, and it was awkward avoiding her occasional questions about my health.

She lives in a home and her carers thought it better not to let her know. I did not argue.

As a person for whom reaching his forties is a great ambition, spending even less than an hour surrounded by people in their eighties and nineties provokes all kinds of odd thoughts.

Life in a home

At first I thought that it is great that I am very unlikely to end up in a home in my nineties.

Both sets of carers for my grandmothers do a great job and the homes are clean and comfortable, but all the same, I do not think I would be missing out on much.

Then I thought perhaps I will end up somewhere similar, just an awful lot earlier than them. I hope not.

But the thing that stuck in my mind was seeing photographs of myself and my daughter at the beginning of this year, just after she was born, and grieving for the unadulterated happiness of that time.

In those days I had hair, but more importantly the expectation of spending decades with her and my wife.

There is no point wishing for miracles - I will be delighted if I hear next year that my treatment has gone well - but that expectation is now a dear hope.

Living in hope is a very different way of life to living with expectations, however close to normality I come.

Christmas will see us in Germany with my wife's family and I am confident that the technology will cooperate to let me wish everyone who has given me so much support and encouragement since August a happy, peaceful and healthy New Year.

If you would like to send an e-mail in response to Ivan's column, please use the form below. We will publish a selection here.

My husband, now aged 76, first had cancer when he was 29. Then again at 57 and again at 65 and he's still going strong. Keep positive, however hard it is. All best wishes to you and your family.
Sue Gifford, UK

You can come back from this and live a normal life adrian, England

My wife was diagnosed with Lymphoma 8 weeks after the birth of our second child. That was four years ago and we have a third child now but when I look at pictures of the time I remember the fear(both in her and me) of her not seeing our little son grow older. You can come back from this and live a normal life and with love and support from those around you, you will see your daughter reach adult years. If the worst happens she will remember you and be proud.
adrian, England

Ivan,
After reading your articles I am extremely impressed by your ability to give an honest and frank account of your illness. Reading this is a humbling experience, as I too have a young family. I wish you and your family a Merry Christmas and a Healthy New Year. I sincerely hope that you news is good in the new year. All the best.
Paul Lancaster, UK

I always read your article and I've not said anything before because I've never had anything worth saying. But I would like to wish you a very happy Christmas with your family, and a wish of your own that comes true.
Gail, UK

I am writing this from an isolation unit after a bone marrow transplant for leukaemia - you give me hope that there is a world out there - a link between 'here' and normality. I wish you well, and I hope one day we will both see Christmas 2003. Enjoy each minute of your life, but look forward always to the next day - enough I think for anyone, regardless of prognosis.
sarah, UK

It does change you forever, perhaps for the better. Graham Torode, Bahamas

Dear Ivan
I was diagnosed with advanced colon cancer three years ago at the age of 42. I have three young children and an idyllic lifestyle in the Bahamas. I have endured surgery, chemotherapy and more and have come to terms with my own mortality. However, three years later I am well and have learned to take each day as it comes. Cancer is not necessarily the end although it does change you forever, perhaps for the better. I hope that all goes well for you and your family.
Graham Torode, Bahamas

Ivan, I've read your diary over the months and really admire your courage in facing the uncertainties and fears of this time. I understand your grief about the loss of your time of unadulterated happiness. My twin sister was diagnosed with M.S. 4 years ago and for me now there will always be a nostalgia for the carefree, 'innocent' days before this cruel illness came into my family's lives. Anyway, Ivan, I just want to wish you and your family a wonderful Christmas and hope that your dreams come true in 2003.
Rachel Huguenin, Switzerland(ex UK)

Dear Ivan,
I read your article every week. Best wishes and continue to have hope. Last December I was starting my course of chemo. After surgery and more chemo I was in remission. We all hope you do well with your treatment.
Mary, England

I will light a candle for you Andrea, UK

I too plod on with the chemotherapy - what else is there to do? I notice that each time it takes a little longer to recover, and whilst at the beginning I bounced back within 4 days, now I am lucky if its seven or even eight.

Ivan, we must have hope - without hope we are nothing! My father was a prisoner of war in Changi, Singapore, and was a man of great courage. He kept on going when there must have been scarcely a glimmer of hope, and so shall I, and so shall you!

I will light a candle for you, and when I go to our little village church on Christmas Eve, I will pray for you in the same way that men and women have prayed in that very church for hundreds of years. Have a wonderful Christmas, and look forward to the New Year with Hope and courage.
Kind Regards
Andrea, UK

We wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy, fulfilling New Year. I find it beyond words to convey my deep admiration for you.
Arun Thampan, India/Italy

Ivan's comments reaffirm my belief in how precious the moments spent with our children really are, as if we should need reminding. I have found the diary to be compelling reading. Here's hoping for a happy ever after.
Charles McLean, Scotland

Regardless of how long you live, you will have shown your daughter what a strong, proud, loving and dignified father she has. My father passed away in April after numerous heart by-pass operations. Our pride, admiration, respect and love for him is immense.

Although he passed away at 55 and we dearly wanted more time, he left us having done a fine job as a man and a father. The lessons we teach and how we live and treat each other is far more important than the amount of years we manage to accumulate. I hope you have a very long and happy life with your wife and daughter, as it seems that you have already delivered all that is expected of a father and husband.
John Ryan, England

May three wise men come to you with gifts of hope, health and healing, all wrapped in a bow. May 2003 bring you the benefit of these gifts.
Pam, UK

Ivan, do your best. You impress me more every time I read your articles. Enjoy Christmas.
Andrew Burden, UK